When I die...

My friend's mom passed away the last week of February. She was 91. For a couple years, I would go to her house every week or every other week and help with paying the bills. Despite the time I spent with her, after her funeral I was a bit sad I hadn't spent more time with her. She was an incredible woman.

Her service was lovely. It was a true celebration of her life full of shared stories, photographs, and memories and it got me thinking about what people will share about me when I die.

Now, naturally, I'd like to think this day isn't coming anytime soon. I'd like to think I have a long, healthy, happy life ahead of me. However, should something happen that ends my life sooner, the first thing I'd hope people would say is that I lived my life to the fullest. I enjoyed every day I had here on Earth, I tried not to take anything for granted, and I died with no regrets.

I'd hope people would recognize my loyalty to my friends and family and my willingness to stand up for what I believe is right. I'd hope people would laugh at my independent and often stubborn nature and know that deep down, it is because of my loyalty to my beliefs that I stick to my guns. I'd hope people would appreciate my open and honest communication and know that even though I can be direct and blunt, I say my piece and move on. I don't hold a grudge and the fact that I even bothered to say something only means I care about the person or issue.

I'd hope my family and friends would know that I love and appreciate them, even if I don't say it daily. I'd hope people would share stories about my adventures and travels and laugh at the trouble I may have found myself in. I'd hope people would miss my sense of humor, as odd as it can sometimes be. I'd hope people would appreciate the photos I have taken, the blog posts I have written, and the contributions I have made to my community over the years.

I'd hope that instead of a sad funeral I have a happy celebration of my life. I'd hope that people would reflect on the happy memories and experiences we shared together rather than dwell on those that won't be experienced.

I'd hope that my passing would inspire others to reflect on their own life and how they can make sure their passing is a celebration of a life lived rather than the mourning of one lost, just like with Ruth.

Life's Unpredictable Events

"What do I do if something happens to Molly while you are gone?"

Not exactly a question I wanted to address, but definitely one The Socialist needed to ask when he first stepped up to take on the role of substitute-doggy-parent while I traveled for work.

I had to pause. I hadn't thought about it. In my mind, I guess, I have lived in denial that my dogs will one day die. Maybe one some level I thought (hoped) they would wait until I was home to say their last good-bye. Either way, I still haven't really prepared for such an event.

Life happens, and it happens whether I am home or on the road. I first experienced this when I moved to Florida. I had always lived very close to home so I took advantage of the fact that I could gather with my family at any moment. However, when my grandfather passed away, it took a little more planning to find dog care and travel back to Salt Lake City.

Recent events happening to my family and friends have gotten me thinking about this again. How do unpredictable life events impact my traveling for work? How do I determine what requires dropping everything and flying home and what can wait until I come home for the weekend? Can I handle not being there for certain things?

When I lived in Florida, I hated not being home for things like my nieces dance recital or Sunday family dinners and I am fortunate enough that now I can be home at least part time. But there will still be things that happen during the week that I can't be there for. I just hope my guilt doesn't get to the best of me and my family and friends now I am thinking of them and wish I could be there to offer more support.

Hectic!

I thought my new traveling job would be nice. I thought I'd have all this nice relaxing time at the hotel to write, read the news, maybe take up a new hobby, who knows! Well, I couldn't have been any more incorrect in my assumption!

Part of it is my icky travel options. I can fly to Portland super early Sunday or super late. Since I want to spend as much time at home as possible, I opt for super late. My Thursday flight home was cut after the holidays so now I take an earlier flight than I used to. Since I like to not work while I am home, I try so hard to get my 40 hours in during my condensed work week.

After trying to squeeze in two workouts during the week and an occasional Portland outing, that leaves no time for... well, anything else!

I hate neglecting my blog. I hate that I haven't uploaded any photos. I hate that I haven't read a book. I hate that I am so exhausted when I travel that I am starting to see it only as a guaranteed off-the-grid time to nap.

I think a large part of it is this project I am working on and a little part is that Portland is cool and I have made a few friends. I am bringing my hectic personal way of living into my professional world. That just screams danger!

Anyway. I am still alive. Life is good. It just get's a little busy sometimes...

Post-vacation, I'm-still-single Blues.

One day I'm in the high Uintas at 9000 feet elevation snowshoeing with friends and a few days later I'm floating in the crystal clear blue waters in the Bahamas. If you would have told me 3 years ago this would be my winter vacation, I would have laughed.

I'm not sure how much of our successes in life can be attributed to individual hard work and effort and how much is purely being in the right place at the right time. I'm also not sure how much of a role Karma or some other spiritual force or being truly plays. But whatever the reason, I can not show enough gratitude for everything I have in my life.

I have amazing parents who always selfishly give to their children and grandchildren. I have siblings who stick up for and stand by each other, even when it isn't easy. I have the cutest damn nephews and niece whom I love to spoil and miss when I'm in the road. I have good health, a great job, amazing friends, and the most loyal canine companions one could ever ask for.

Yet despite all that, there is still one thing I feel is missing - someone to share all this with.

It's time to be honest. I am tired of being single. The past few years have been great, don't get me wrong. And like I said, I have so much to be greatful for. But I really miss being in a relationship.

Last week my company had its annual "meeting" that happened to take place on a cruise ship sailing through the Caribbean. We were allowed to bring a plus one and at the time RSVPs were due, I was so new to the company and unsure of who I'd know that I invited my dear friend HMD to keep me company. We started in Fort Myers prior to driving to Miami and all in all, it was an amazing one week vacation.

I miss having a traveling companion. I miss having a good friend to talk to. I miss having someone to help with the simple things, like putting sunblock on the hard to reach spots of my back.

While on the cruise, we bumped into the consultant I worked with in Florida. He was there with his wife and the four of us spent a good portion of the trip together. It felt like the couples-double-date sort of thing and it was a blast. It was so much fun but now I have the post-vacation I'm-still-single blues.

Now, before you all start speculating, HMD and I are - and always have been - just friends. There is no relationship a brewing so don't get any ideas. But he is a good guy and a dear friend and it does make me wish I had that - plus more - with someone.

I knew this would happen. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. But it still makes me wonder when it will be my turn?

Grandma's House

I like my realtor a lot. I would recommend her to anyone. In fact, over the years, what started as a simple realtor-client relationship has truly developed into a great friendship.

When house hunting with her, she has her clients name each of the houses. This helps personalize each home and make it easier when comparing and contrasting properties. It would be things such as "The Meth House" or "The Amazing Porch" and so on.

The name I gave the house I bought was "Grandma's House" and for those who have seen it or know my family can completely understand. For one, it is located just a couple streets over from the house my mom's parents lived in for nearly 60 years. It is a cute little brick ramble built in the 50's - just like theirs. It has built in cabinets, just like theirs. It has steep stairs heading to the basement, just like theirs. It just has a feel that reminds me so much of my grandparent's house.

I have lived in "Grandma's House" for just over a month now and I love it. It feels comfortable and cozy. I love the neighborhood. I love being near both freeways and TRAX. I love being closer to my family while at the same time not being quite as far from downtown. Yes, I do miss being right in the heart of the city, but I am quite happy with my purchase.

The first week I lived in this house, I walked my dogs past my grandparent's house. It was a rather strange feeling walking down their street and having it be my neighborhood now. The second time I walked my dogs past their house, though, was even stranger because I came around the bend and there were lots of cars in the driveway and along the street. No doubt, a holiday party, I felt a little nostalgic thinking about all our family holiday parties and other childhood memories at my grandparents house.

Halloween and trick-or-treating and having all the neighbors know right away that we are "Thomas" kids and then having to guess which Thomas child was our parent. Christmas parties with so many people crammed in that little house and having Santa Claus show up with a bag of gifts. Playing pool with all the cousins down in the basement during various birthdays and mothers/fathers day parties. Easter egg hunts in the backyard. Watching fireworks on the 4th of July in their backyard. All the dinners and Saturday nights while my parents were bowling. Watching MASH and Murder she Wrote. Playing the Benji board game or playing outside on the swing and teeter-toter.

And my favorite... the giant lilac bush that was so big, you could walk through it. My poor father has allergies to lilacs and as a child, I could never figure out how he knew I had some hidden in the car to bring home.

The list of memories is too long to write down. But I seem to be reminded of a new one each time I walk past their house.

With the holiday's, my move, and my busy traveling work schedule, I didn't mention the anniversary of their deaths. But it doesn't mean I didn't remember. I miss them both so much and I am happy to call their neighborhood mine now.

The Year of Balance

When too much time and effort is put into one area of life (career, health, etc) it generally comes at the expense of the other areas.

Last year, I spent a great deal of time and energy focusing on making me happy. I had spent the year prior simply healing from my separation from JR and one of the things I learned was that I had been putting too much effort into making others happy and I had been neglecting myself. Hence, 2011: The Year of Me, was just what I needed. However, it had also come at a price and so this year, 2012, will be the year I try to balance it all out.

I spent all yesterday thinking about this concept of Life Balance, what it meant, and how I was going to implement this concept over the next 366 days (this year is a leap year.) I read some things online, chatted with a few friends, and tried to lock down a strategy for 2012.

Here is my plan...

I started by making a list of all the things I felt would make a well balanced ME: my health, my family relationships, financial stability, etc. The list wound up containing 12 items. I didn't want to focus on one item a month, because then the other 11 would get neglected the rest of the year. However, picking a goal for each item each month would be overwhelming and would only set myself up for failure.

In my online "research", I found a website, Mind Tools, that had illustrated this concept of The Wheel of Life (see illustration at left). Each pie segment represents one area of your life - family, career, finances, health, and so on. You rate yourself on how well you feel you are doing in each of those areas with 1 being weak and closer to the center of the circle and 5 being the outer ring. It gives a nice visual of your overall perceived balance and acts as a starting point of where to give focus.

I thought I'd try this concept. I will keep my list of 12 handy so I can see it on a regular basis and keep them all in the back of my mind. I will rate myself at the end of each month on how I feel I am doing in all 12 areas and the bottom three will then be used to make my goals for the following month.

I hope this approach will let me focus on the larger picture while at the same time create manageable goals that can be achieved in any given month. Wish me luck!

2011: The Year of Me

2011: The year of Me.

That is what I wrote on January 1, 2011. This was supposed to be the year of "me" - and not the year of me in a selfish, negative way but in a healthy, needed-to-happen sort of way. How did I do?

I think the year of me was a success.

• I moved back to Utah to be closer to my family, friends, and the mountains.
• I switched jobs to one that would provide better opportunities and a more positive work environment.
• I took an incredible summer roadtrip, just me and my dogs, traveling through 23 United States and 1 Canadian Providence (for the entire year, it was a total of 26 United States.)
• I bought a house and am looking forward to making it my home.

But more happened during all that.

• I rekindled my self confidence that I felt had been stifled by recent life events. I was even bold enough to express my feelings toward another person at the risk of being rejected.
• I fully came to understand that only I can control my happiness and that I can't control that for anyone else. I am still working on implementing that philosophy, but I least I understand it, and I can't say I fully grasped that before.
• I began to slow the pace. I was constantly moving and on the go - but generally doing things to please others and not myself. I have learned to say no when I truly don't want to do something and only do things because I truly want to.
• I know who I am. I can graciously accept a compliment rather than brush it off as nothing. I have learned to recognize my shortcomings. They occasionally still get in the way, but knowing they are there is always the first step.
• I have built a relationship with myself and I finally like me. For too long, I let my opinion of myself be based on what others thought (one person in particular.) I was almost desperate in my attempts to get validation from others and I was not happy. Now, I am happy with me. I try to worry about what I think and what I need to do to be happy or be a better person. I can also be alone and enjoy my own company, something I can't say I have ever been good at.
  

As with most things, I can't say I am "done" or I "made it." These things require constant attention and a conscious effort to not slip back into old habits. I am happy with the progress I have made and I like where my life is at. But as good as this Year of Me was, I know I can't go on focusing on just me for the rest of my life. This year came with a small price. I pretty much gave up dating and I didn't do any volunteer work or have any community involvement, for a couple examples. So with that in mind, I think 2012 is going to be the Year of Balance.