The Jaw-Jabbins of Heather Culligan

Post-vacation, I'm-still-single Blues.

2012-02-06T15:57:00.002-05:00

One day I'm in the high Uintas at 9000 feet elevation snowshoeing with friends and a few days later I'm floating in the crystal clear blue waters in the Bahamas. If you would have told me 3 years ago this would be my winter vacation, I would have laughed.

I'm not sure how much of our successes in life can be attributed to individual hard work and effort and how much is purely being in the right place at the right time. I'm also not sure how much of a role Karma or some other spiritual force or being truly plays. But whatever the reason, I can not show enough gratitude for everything I have in my life.

I have amazing parents who always selfishly give to their children and grandchildren. I have siblings who stick up for and stand by each other, even when it isn't easy. I have the cutest damn nephews and niece whom I love to spoil and miss when I'm in the road. I have good health, a great job, amazing friends, and the most loyal canine companions one could ever ask for.

Yet despite all that, there is still one thing I feel is missing - someone to share all this with.

It's time to be honest. I am tired of being single. The past few years have been great, don't get me wrong. And like I said, I have so much to be greatful for. But I really miss being in a relationship.

Last week my company had its annual "meeting" that happened to take place on a cruise ship sailing through the Caribbean. We were allowed to bring a plus one and at the time RSVPs were due, I was so new to the company and unsure of who I'd know that I invited my dear friend HMD to keep me company. We started in Fort Myers prior to driving to Miami and all in all, it was an amazing one week vacation.

I miss having a traveling companion. I miss having a good friend to talk to. I miss having someone to help with the simple things, like putting sunblock on the hard to reach spots of my back.

While on the cruise, we bumped into the consultant I worked with in Florida. He was there with his wife and the four of us spent a good portion of the trip together. It felt like the couples-double-date sort of thing and it was a blast. It was so much fun but now I have the post-vacation I'm-still-single blues.

Now, before you all start speculating, HMD and I are - and always have been - just friends. There is no relationship a brewing so don't get any ideas. But he is a good guy and a dear friend and it does make me wish I had that - plus more - with someone.

I knew this would happen. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. But it still makes me wonder when it will be my turn?

Grandma's House

2012-01-10T22:45:00.005-05:00

I like my realtor a lot. I would recommend her to anyone. In fact, over the years, what started as a simple realtor-client relationship has truly developed into a great friendship.

When house hunting with her, she has her clients name each of the houses. This helps personalize each home and make it easier when comparing and contrasting properties. It would be things such as "The Meth House" or "The Amazing Porch" and so on.

The name I gave the house I bought was "Grandma's House" and for those who have seen it or know my family can completely understand. For one, it is located just a couple streets over from the house my mom's parents lived in for nearly 60 years. It is a cute little brick ramble built in the 50's - just like theirs. It has built in cabinets, just like theirs. It has steep stairs heading to the basement, just like theirs. It just has a feel that reminds me so much of my grandparent's house.

I have lived in "Grandma's House" for just over a month now and I love it. It feels comfortable and cozy. I love the neighborhood. I love being near both freeways and TRAX. I love being closer to my family while at the same time not being quite as far from downtown. Yes, I do miss being right in the heart of the city, but I am quite happy with my purchase.

The first week I lived in this house, I walked my dogs past my grandparent's house. It was a rather strange feeling walking down their street and having it be my neighborhood now. The second time I walked my dogs past their house, though, was even stranger because I came around the bend and there were lots of cars in the driveway and along the street. No doubt, a holiday party, I felt a little nostalgic thinking about all our family holiday parties and other childhood memories at my grandparents house.

Halloween and trick-or-treating and having all the neighbors know right away that we are "Thomas" kids and then having to guess which Thomas child was our parent. Christmas parties with so many people crammed in that little house and having Santa Claus show up with a bag of gifts. Playing pool with all the cousins down in the basement during various birthdays and mothers/fathers day parties. Easter egg hunts in the backyard. Watching fireworks on the 4th of July in their backyard. All the dinners and Saturday nights while my parents were bowling. Watching MASH and Murder she Wrote. Playing the Benji board game or playing outside on the swing and teeter-toter.

And my favorite... the giant lilac bush that was so big, you could walk through it. My poor father has allergies to lilacs and as a child, I could never figure out how he knew I had some hidden in the car to bring home.

The list of memories is too long to write down. But I seem to be reminded of a new one each time I walk past their house.

With the holiday's, my move, and my busy traveling work schedule, I didn't mention the anniversary of their deaths. But it doesn't mean I didn't remember. I miss them both so much and I am happy to call their neighborhood mine now.

The Year of Balance

2012-01-02T10:20:00.001-05:00

When too much time and effort is put into one area of life (career, health, etc) it generally comes at the expense of the other areas.

Last year, I spent a great deal of time and energy focusing on making me happy. I had spent the year prior simply healing from my separation from JR and one of the things I learned was that I had been putting too much effort into making others happy and I had been neglecting myself. Hence, 2011: The Year of Me, was just what I needed. However, it had also come at a price and so this year, 2012, will be the year I try to balance it all out.

I spent all yesterday thinking about this concept of Life Balance, what it meant, and how I was going to implement this concept over the next 366 days (this year is a leap year.) I read some things online, chatted with a few friends, and tried to lock down a strategy for 2012.

Here is my plan...

I started by making a list of all the things I felt would make a well balanced ME: my health, my family relationships, financial stability, etc. The list wound up containing 12 items. I didn't want to focus on one item a month, because then the other 11 would get neglected the rest of the year. However, picking a goal for each item each month would be overwhelming and would only set myself up for failure.

In my online "research", I found a website, Mind Tools, that had illustrated this concept of The Wheel of Life (see illustration at left). Each pie segment represents one area of your life - family, career, finances, health, and so on. You rate yourself on how well you feel you are doing in each of those areas with 1 being weak and closer to the center of the circle and 5 being the outer ring. It gives a nice visual of your overall perceived balance and acts as a starting point of where to give focus.

I thought I'd try this concept. I will keep my list of 12 handy so I can see it on a regular basis and keep them all in the back of my mind. I will rate myself at the end of each month on how I feel I am doing in all 12 areas and the bottom three will then be used to make my goals for the following month.

I hope this approach will let me focus on the larger picture while at the same time create manageable goals that can be achieved in any given month. Wish me luck!

2011: The Year of Me

2011-12-31T11:08:00.014-05:00

2011: The year of Me.

That is what I wrote on January 1, 2011. This was supposed to be the year of "me" - and not the year of me in a selfish, negative way but in a healthy, needed-to-happen sort of way. How did I do?

I think the year of me was a success.

I moved back to Utah to be closer to my family, friends, and the mountains.
I switched jobs to one that would provide better opportunities and a more positive work environment.
I took an incredible summer roadtrip, just me and my dogs, traveling through 23 United States and 1 Canadian Providence (for the entire year, it was a total of 26 United States.)
I bought a house and am looking forward to making it my home.

But more happened during all that.

I rekindled my self confidence that I felt had been stifled by recent life events. I was even bold enough to express my feelings toward another person at the risk of being rejected.
I fully came to understand that only I can control my happiness and that I can't control that for anyone else. I am still working on implementing that philosophy, but I least I understand it, and I can't say I fully grasped that before.
I began to slow the pace. I was constantly moving and on the go - but generally doing things to please others and not myself. I have learned to say no when I truly don't want to do something and only do things because I truly want to.
I know who I am. I can graciously accept a compliment rather than brush it off as nothing. I have learned to recognize my shortcomings. They occasionally still get in the way, but knowing they are there is always the first step.
I have built a relationship with myself and I finally like me. For too long, I let my opinion of myself be based on what others thought (one person in particular.) I was almost desperate in my attempts to get validation from others and I was not happy. Now, I am happy with me. I try to worry about what I think and what I need to do to be happy or be a better person. I can also be alone and enjoy my own company, something I can't say I have ever been good at.

As with most things, I can't say I am "done" or I "made it." These things require constant attention and a conscious effort to not slip back into old habits. I am happy with the progress I have made and I like where my life is at. But as good as this Year of Me was, I know I can't go on focusing on just me for the rest of my life. This year came with a small price. I pretty much gave up dating and I didn't do any volunteer work or have any community involvement, for a couple examples. So with that in mind, I think 2012 is going to be the Year of Balance.

1st Day... Scrooge and the Grinch

2011-12-24T17:30:00.001-05:00

Please do not call me a Scrooge or a Grinch because I don't like Christmas. If you don't like Cinco de Mayo, I don't call you racist. If you don't set off fireworks on the 4th of July, I don't call you unAmerican. If you don't dress up on Halloween, eat Turkey on Thanksgiving, or do something for our Veterans on Veteran's Day I don't say a word. I can respect that.

I don't call you names or poke fun of you for liking Christmas. I don't call out consumerism when you are more concerned about Black Friday and what gifts you received than you are the birth of the Savior. I don't get mad when you wish me Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I don't get annoyed by your holiday decorations and tacky sweaters.

This world is a beautiful place because of our diversity. I'll respect your choices to celebrate what and how you wish. Do the same for me.

2nd Day... Christmas Creep

2011-12-23T19:30:00.001-05:00

My sister's birthday is in the first week of December. Growing up, my family made it a point not to put up our Christmas tree until after her birthday. I seem to recall Christmas music starting after Thanksgiving. Christmas lights started to turn on around the first of December. Christmas decorations showed up in the store near Thanksgiving.

Now, one Utah station begins playing 24-7 Christmas music November 1. I can buy my stocking the same time as my Halloween costume face paint. Everything seems to start earlier and earlier. Christmas is the only holiday that is an entire season.

Before we know it, Christmas in July will be a real thing.

3rd Day...Holiday giving

2011-12-23T07:40:00.000-05:00

Now before you all make a snap judgement about this post and get your panties in a bunch, I ask that you hear me out. I am NOT opposed to charity nor am I opposed to charitable donations at the holidays. I am not opposed to those who want to run charity drives and I am, for the most part, not bothered when I am asked to contribute.

What does bother me, however, are those people who, even when politely explained to that the person has already donate to a few organizations and/or cannot afford to contribute more, get upset. I have had people - to me and to others:

raise their eyebrow as though they doubt that answer
make a follow up comment about salon styled hair, smartphones, car the person drives, etc and being surprised that the person can't - or won't - give even just a few dollars to their cause
laugh and say something like - yeah, sure you do
cut off someone else approaching someone about donating to say something along the lines of - Dont' bother. He/She doesn't ever contribute

Plus, not to mention the mass emails or statements that make people feel guilty for not contributing (It is completely optional to donate, but.... and We are so close to reaching this goal if everybody could just... ). Plus there are the group donations or gift baskets where it is from the entire group/team but everybody knows who didn't contribute.

Please consider the possibility that the person not donating just happens to be a recipient of these donations. At one of my jobs many years ago, there was an employee in our group who was treated with some of the same bullet items above only to finally come out and explain her current situation and why she isn't participating so back off. She was humiliated and in tears but it was that or be treated poorly for not participating in the huge office holiday charity drive. Needless to say, that is one of many reasons I did not stay with that company long.

Again, I am not opposed to charity. I am not against giving to those in need. But I personally recognize there is also a need January through October and give all year long. So to those who feel charitable during the holiday times, that is great. And the work you do is appreciated by so many. But be respectful of those who choose not to participate or don't have the means to participate during this time of year. You do not know their situation and even if you did, it still doesn't give you the right to be rude when they don't participate in your cause.

(* this post is up a day late because I flew home yesterday only find out I had no internet.)

4th Day... The Office

2011-12-21T22:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, the office at the holidays. In general, the office politics suck but it is only exaggerated during the holiday time. And when you are a new employee still trying to make an impression, that is even worse.

Yes, you can choose to participate or not in whatever holiday rituals exist, but no matter how polite and professional you you try to be, it is always awkward and some employee always passes judgement on you for not enjoying Christmas.

I recall one year working for a local credit union where they did a holiday ornament exchange. We all drew names and you purchased a tree ornament for that person. Great idea, except I don't set up a Christmas tree and if I did, it would all be with coordinating ornaments that I am sure some one-off gift one wouldn't fit.

I agreed to participate but instead of buying me an ornament, I requested that the money the person would have spent on an ornament be donated to a charity instead. That seemed fair. I was still participating in the holiday festivities, I was still purchasing an ornament for a person who wanted to receive one, and I was still leaving some wiggle room for the person who drew my name to get creative in my "gift." Well, I learned after the fact that my manager rigged the drawing to ensure she got my name so nobody would be deprived of buying an ornament. I was pretty offended because here I was making an effort to still participate in the office holiday celebrations rather than exclude myself altogether (which is what I wanted to do deep down) and my colleagues could have made an effort to do the same. Picking a good charity would have been just as fun as running to Target and picking out an ornament.

In several other capacities, I have had similar experiences. When I worked for the state, I was told by my director, "How sad. I guess I am just fortunate to have a family that is so close and loves to spend time with each other." Clearly he didn't know me very well because I made sure to let him know that my family is also very close and we don't need a holiday to tell us to get together. We see each other nearly once a week. My personal reasons for not wanting to celebrate Christmas has nothing to do with my relationship with my family. That sure shut him up.

Work is for work. Save religion and personal beliefs for outside the office.

5th Day...The War on Christmas

2011-12-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

I am surprised I haven't heard more about the "War on Christmas" with it being an election and all, and it may just be that I haven't been listening. This is as ridiculous as the War on Drugs. According to Christianity Today, 75% of American's consider themselves to be Christian. While yes, that is a majority, that means 25% of American's are not Christian. For those 25%, the "War on Christmas" is not about bashing the baby Jesus, it is about recognizing that there is more than one holiday in this winter season. Saying "Happy Holidays" is not about rejecting or hating Christianity, it is about being tolerant of other people's believes and traditions.

Despite my lack of interest to participate in Christmas, I am not offended when people wish me a "Merry Christmas." Nor am I offended when I am told to have a "Happy Holiday." I do get bothered when people on both sides of the argument make a huge deal out of what really should be nothing (who can forget Utah's own Chris Butters and his attempt to pass a resolution to use the phrase "Merry Christmas" in retail stores.)

Bottom line, whatever the greeting, accept it with the sincerity in which it was delivered. And when giving the greeting, try to be cognoscente of the diversity in the American population. After all, we aren't a Christian nation.

6th Day... Making a list

2011-12-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

This ties into Day #11, but I hate the idea of Christmas lists and asking everybody "what do you want for Christmas?" No. That isn't the point. If I wanted to make a shopping list and have someone buy everything, I'd hire a personal shopper.

I think this is when my distaste for Christmas first started. Before the holiday even came around, it was decide who was buying what and everybody knew - including the gift recipient. Where is the joy of a gift if there is no surprise? The recipient of the gift should be grateful for whatever the giver gives and the giver should put some actual thought into the gift they are giving. After all, it is the thought that counts, right?

7th Day... Tacky Decorations

2011-12-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

I have no opposition to holiday decorations. In fact, I quite enjoy the lights and make sure I visit the Temple Square grounds every year. Tacky holiday decorating, on the other hand, just looks tacky. Case in point:

I try and be understanding that nice decorations can be expensive and not everybody can afford nice things, but these inflatables are not cheap. The house above easily has a thousand dollars worth of tacky inflatables on their front lawn. Tacky.

When you consider the "true meaning of Christmas," tacky decorations are just insulting and only reinforce the consumerism that this holiday really is.

8th Day... Another Holiday Party

2011-12-17T17:39:00.012-05:00

Holiday Parties. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good party as much as the next person, but it seems EVERYBODY wants to have a party in December. There is the immediate family party, this side of the family party, that side of the family party (and if you're in a relationship that can be doubled or quadrupled if there are divorces in the families), multiple parties from various friends/social groups, parties from the organizations I volunteer with, Santa pub crawls and other similar community events, and of course the company party.

My liver and waist line can't handle all these parties. Not to mention all the added time and expense for those that require more formal attire or costumes. It is just too much!

Families and friends should not be celebrated just because it is the holiday season. We should appreciate and value those relationships all year long.

9th Day... Are you ready??

2011-12-16T07:30:00.000-05:00

"Are you ready for Christmas?"

Do we ask this about any other holiday? The fact that so many people ask this question only illustrates how much work one day of the year is. People talk about all the stress and the to-do lists and the planning. People brag and celebrate when they are "done" with their preparation. The lines at the stores are longer. The traffic to get anywhere is worse. People are stressed and agitated to the point that "holiday cheer" seems to be nothing more than a myth. Planning for Christmas seems to be as much work as a part time job.

10th Day... Show me the money!

2011-12-15T07:30:00.002-05:00

A USA Today poll in their Wednesday, November 23, 2011 edition asked the question, "Are you worried about paying for holiday gifts?" The responses were as follows:

35%: Yes, money is tight
24%: Yes, but I'll figure it out
31%: No, I've planned ahead
10%: No, but I should be

No other holiday takes a toll on a person's financial situation like Christmas does. The pressure to buy the perfect gift, no matter what the cost (see previous post) is sad. A quick Google search will pull up hundreds of articles on how to save for the holidays year round, how to tighten the pocketbook during the holidays, and so on. One survey shows the average person will spend $751 on Christmas this year. While it seems I recall numbers much higher than that in the past, for a family who lives month to month, pay check to pay check, that financial burden is a lot to taken on.

11th day... It's the Thought That Counts

2011-12-14T07:30:00.001-05:00

Bull Shit.

Enough said.

The 12 days of Why I hate Christmas

2011-12-13T10:45:00.015-05:00

It's no secret to anyone who's met me that Christmas is my least favorite holiday. The reasons are many and as we officially enter the "Twelve Days of/Before Christmas," I thought I'd highlight twelve of these reasons and remind you all that I don't give gifts and I don't want to receive any either. Yes, that's right, you can cross Me off your list!

12. The Twelve Days of Christmas actually starts ON Christmas. Not before Christmas. Jesus' birthday should be celebrated for 12 days, starting on December 25th. We are currently in Advent, and historically Advent was a time of fasting in preparation for the coming of Christ, among other things.

I can sure tell you nobody around me is fasting right now! Maybe this "war on Christmas" should stop being blamed on us liberals and start being investigated from within the Christian Right...

Another Home Sweet Home

2011-12-12T23:17:00.005-05:00

I closed on my house last week! Yes, I know I already own two, but this one is going to be different. For one, it is located in a state I actually live in (well, for the most part.) It is in the center of the valley in a neighborhood I love (it's the same one my mother grew up in.) And most importantly, it is all mine (no ex on this one!)

I am so excited and happy and so completely exhausted. Don't ever try and buy a house when you work in another state. Or are dependent on your ex for paperwork. Or are switching roommates. Or it's during Thanksgiving/Christmas. All this while trying to work your normal traveling job and have a life.

For the most part, I am moved in. I still have a few things in my old house to move plus all the things that have been stored in my parents basement for the past 18 months. The dogs are completely moved in but I still need to dog proof the yard. Then there are all the other little things like buying a washer dryer and getting living room furniture. Hopefully by the end of this year, I will feel completely settled and finally be able to relax.

This feels like a huge step. I feel like I am doing this for me and not anybody else. I am transitioning out of this wandering mode I feel I have been in for the past 2 1/2 years. It was a fun and challenging phase, don't get me wrong, but I am ready for something more stable.

I can't have my housewarming party until I finish getting everything moved and I just cringe at the thought of lifting anymore boxes. Maybe sometime in January. We will see!

I am not sure what will happen with the other two homes I own. That will come with time.

Three?

2011-12-04T21:07:00.005-05:00

Three blog posts last month? I haven't written so little since starting this damn thing!

My life in nutshell - chaotic, exciting, stressful, in transition, unstable, and fun.

There you go! More to come... well... someday!

I Heart Portland!

2011-11-25T11:42:00.006-05:00

From the moment I landed at the airport, I knew I would love Portland. I knew the moment I walked into the bathroom and saw the low-flow toilets: raise the handle up for #1, push it down for #2. That sends a message about the culture in Portland.

On the drive to the hotel, bicycles, buses, and trains almost outnumbered the cars. At the hotel, signs of "what we recycle" were posted in the room - and it isn't just paper. At my office building, signs were posted encouraging people to take the stairs instead of the elevator so they can be more heart healthy. For my first team meeting, my manager brought apples for a snack - not donuts - and someone asked if they were from her trees. At the first place I went for lunch, items on the menu mentioned if they included dairy, calories were listed by each item, and so far I have not experienced any challenges finding vegetarian options.

There are so many subtle things that make me feel like I am home. And wow! It is a night and day difference to Fort Myers! One that almost can't be described but just has to be experienced. So far, the complete lack of sun and constant rain hasn't gotten to me. But then again I get to come back to Salt Lake City every weekend. And so far I have no plans to buy a house in Portland and move there... I know some of you were wondering!

It has only been two weeks (and one of those weeks were cut short by the holiday) but we will just see how things go.

Portland is my Bitch!

2011-11-15T00:19:00.004-05:00

There are many things you all don't know about me. One of them being that for many years, I wanted to be a lawyer. I did my research on law schools - hell, I even started college as a declared pre-law major. I researched law schools all during high school and decided that I loved Portland, Oregon and that I was going to go to Lewis and Clark University.

I had never been to Portland or Oregon but I knew I would love it. I knew it was a town that would fit my liberal down-to-earth character. I even remember feeling a sting of jealousy when my younger sister was being recruited by an Oregon University and was flown there for a visit. That was my dream! And here there was a chance that she would get to live it.

Fast forward a decade and a half to my ex telling me he was going to be taking a business trip to Portland. Why had we never been? Why was everybody but me going to Portland?

"Let's go together!" I vividly remember telling him as we walked our dogs to the park. I had sensed a bit of disconnect growing between us and I felt a romantic getaway would do our relationship some good.

"No," he said. This trip would be so short and incredibly busy he'd have no time to go out and have fun. And besides, what would we do about the dogs... ?

So I stayed home. But my gut said something wasn't right.

When he returned from his trip, I quickly learned that his business trip was not business at all but a personal vacation with another woman he had developed a relationship with over the past couple months. That really explained my feeling of a disconnect.

For the past 2 1/2 years I have worked on rebuilding my life. It hasn't always been easy but I have no complaints with where I am today.

When this job in Portland was presented to me, I did have a slight hesitation with accepting it because I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it emotionally. I immediately laughed that off as silly because it has been 30 months and my life is good. But as I pulled into the airport parking lot, all the events of that time period began to replay in my head. I have no idea why, but I found myself tearing up at the thought of going to Portland - the place I've always wanted to go but which He shared with another woman.

Those watery eyes turned to full on tears and it took me a minute to actually compose myself enough to get out of my truck and head into the airport. It's been so long. I moved to Florida and back again. I've changed jobs. I've met new friends. I have stronger friendships with old friends. I'm buying a house. I've dated other men.

Yet for some reason, every now and then, something like this just jumps out and gets to me. The timing of these random events gets further and further apart but there is a part of me that really wants to know when will it stop? The first time I traveled after we broke up was naturally difficult. There were many first this and the first thats, sure. But it's been 2 1/2 years. I'm done. I don't want this anymore.

Fortunately, I write this at the end of my first day here and it has been fantastic. I thing yesterday's little relapse was just a moment of weakness that quickly faded. I am excited for the next few months and all the things I will get to see and do here in Portland. As my cute little sis-in-law posted on Facebook - Portland is your Bitch!

And this Bitch is about to be put in her place!

City of Roses

2011-11-01T20:06:00.003-04:00

These past two weeks - who am I kidding - this past week and 2 days of not working is starting to kill me. I am so bored!! I am getting so lazy. I sleep in late and take a nap during the day. I feel put out when the dogs want to go for a walk. I have no motivation to do anything! I have no idea why. I am usually not like this. But, I am happy to report that I secured my next assignment yesterday. I will be going to Portland, Oregon. Finally, something to get me back into a groove.

I've always had an interest in Oregon. I looked at colleges there while I was in high school and I've always wanted to visit. I like the bands that come from there. I like the beer that comes from there. I like the proximity to the beach and the mountains. I like how bike and dog friendly and, dare I say, liberal the city is. I think Portland and I are going to get along great.

I guess I can justify my lazy lifestyle for a couple more days because it won't be lasting much longer. Next week I take a little vacay to Florida and then it is back to work. Who knows, maybe I'll enjoy Portland so much I'll find some dog-friendly housing and take my pups with me. We will see!

Put me in coach...

2011-10-27T11:47:00.002-04:00

I'm on the bench. I'm a bench warmer. I'm sitting on the sidelines picking grass.

My first project as a consultant wrapped up last week. It was a bitter-sweet ending. The project needed more time and the perfectionist in me hated to see it end in a less than perfect state. However, since the project was a bit of a mess I was also a little eager to leave it behind. I must admit that I found myself crushing on a colleague and was sad to leave knowing I'll probably never see him again. Yet at the same time, since I was a complete coward and couldn't bring myself to say something, making my exit seemed like the best idea.

While we are in-between assignments in my company, it is called "bench" time. We sit on the bench and market ourselves and try to find our next contract. We receive help from regional VPs and a strong sales team, but there is still some ownership on our part to help the process along.

But honestly? Part of me doesn't want to help the process along. We do collect a paycheck for a certain amount of time on the bench so I am less motivated to find a new assignment. I get to be home and not work/travel for a week or two. I get to spend time with my dogs, my family, and my friends. It is nice to get a break and have some time to relax and do nothing.

Now I know I won't like this forever. After all, it is only Thursday and I am already feeling the boredom creep in. But for a week or two I think I can enjoy this time at home and try to do all those things that have been sitting on the "If I only had time..." list. After that, I am going to be begging the coach to put me back in!

Look to This Day!

2011-10-24T12:18:00.020-04:00

The other night, I had a dream so vivid it woke me from my sleep. I was at my grandparents house paying them a visit. They were sitting in their blue lazy-boy chairs and I was sitting on the loveseat. We were talking and laughing about something. My grandmother's eyes squinting and her head tipping back as she smiled. My grandfather quietly sitting and letting us ladies monopolize the conversation. I loved visiting my grandparents and tried to do it as often as I could. They were the best listeners. We'd talk about the family. We'd talk about the things going on in our lives. I'd talk about the things weighing on my mind and my grandmother would always offer the same advice. My family knows it well. Look to this day...

I am not sure if the dream was a subconscious manifestation of something bigger weighing on my mind or if I simply just missed my grandparents. Either way, it was enough to make me take a trip to the cemetery and visit their grave. It's been almost a year since my grandfather died and going on six since my grandmother passed but it still feels like yesterday that I was last sitting in their living room. I hope my memories of them never fade and always stay this vivid. But most importantly, I hope I never forget to Look to This Day...

Look to this Day!
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And Tomorrow is only a Vision;
But Today well lived
Makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn.

Next weekend...

2011-10-23T11:26:00.004-04:00

My first assignment in my new job is officially over. I am not sure what/where is next, but that is okay; I'm really not too worried about it. Right now, I am looking forward to a nice week at home with the dogs.

I have enjoyed the weekly travel and working at this client site. I have enjoyed meeting new people and exploring the Dallas/Fort Worth area. At the same time, it is a bit exhausting and I am excited to have a full week of "catch up" time and not just a couple days.

My list of things to accomplish this week is starting to get ridiculously long and I have no doubt that next Sunday will roll around and I won't have done a damn thing. I will wonder where on earth the time has gone as I pack for my next week of business travel and possibly regret not being motivated to accomplish more. At the same time, I am sure the week will have been filled with things far more memorable than moving the lawn and I will once again defuse my guilt by saying there is always next weekend...

Coward

2011-10-15T23:46:00.000-04:00

Nobody is perfect. I get that. We all have flaws. We all wish someone was more this or less that. But, for the most part, they have enough positive traits that we are able to overlook the less than perfect parts and let them into our lives.

So what happens when you meet someone and you have yet to find a negative trait you are happy to overlook? What happens when this person happens to be a single male that fits the description of what you are looking for in a person you'd like to date? And what happens when circumstances change and there is a chance you could not see this person again?

If you are me, nothing happens. If you are me, you are too much of a coward to take the risk of telling this person how you feel. If you are me, dealing with rejection appears to be more difficult than dealing with the question of what if. If you are me, you are nothing but a coward.

The Dating Heather Handbook 1.4

2011-10-12T18:34:00.000-04:00

The dating scene in Florida wasn't exactly there for me so I guess you could say I took a little hiatus from dating. Last night, however, I had my first real official date in quite some time and let's just say it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. It went so poorly, in fact, that I think I need to start making everybody read the "Dating Heather Handbook" before they can take me out (also see versions 1.2 and 1.3.)

So with that said... here are a few new additions resulting from my less than fabulous date this week.

#11. Be careful when making comments about my physical appearance. Don't tell me you think I look good because you like a girl with "some meat" because in my mind I hear I am fat. Don't tell me I have softball player arms. Yes, I grew up playing the sport, but I still don't know if I should be flattered or not. It is, however, okay to provide safe compliments, like I have pretty eyes or you like my hair color or you like it when I smile.

#12. I am not religious. Know that about me or don't be surprised if I have a reaction when I hear phrases like "...unless they're an atheist..." or "...everybody finds their way back to God at sometime. they just have to..." I am not opposed to dating someone who is religious. I was raised with religion and have many religious family members and friends. Just don't try to convert me and don't think I am less of a complete person if I don't actively have religion in my life. Don't go into a relationship with me thinking someday that will change.

How many entries do you think I get before I am completely un-date-able??

Ready to Trust Again

2011-10-11T21:18:00.001-04:00

The past month or two, I have finally felt like things are back under control. I have a good job, I am back in Salt Lake City, I am settled in my new place, etc. I feel life is good. Great, actually. And I am starting to feel like I am in a position where I want to start dating again. I am ready for someone else in my life. Dare I say I have even felt a little lonely? I see happy couples around me. I hang out with great guys and often wish it was more. But I have this sad realization that with my new job, dating is going to be made more difficult.

I don't want to date someone from a client site or city because then when this assignment is over, there is that awful question of where do we go from here? Long distance with each person being in one city is one thing, but long distance that drags in a third city just seems damn near impossible. To date someone in SLC means we see each other just on the weekends, which is doable but just as sad.

Chatting with a colleague at the airport while we waited for our flights, this exact topic came up. I mentioned the added trust issue because of a traveling ex that wound up cheating on me, and he said trust has to be there at home, too. Even if I dated someone in the same city, we aren't together all the time. Trust just has to be part of the relationship.

So I think the question isn't so much am I ready to start dating but am I ready to start trusting. I think the answer is yes to both questions. If the man is right, the other questions of location will take care of themselves. I am not opposed to relocating. Maybe he won't be either. But there is no point thinking about it now, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

2011-10-09T23:44:00.001-04:00

There is an old fable about a Sheppard boy who tricks his village into thinking there is a wolf attacking his flock of sheep. He repeatedly cries wolf until the Villagers eventually stop believing him and stop trying to help. But then one day, there really is a wolf. And when the boy cries wolf the Villagers ignore him. They do not believe his cries and eventually the wolf kills his entire flock.

A friend of mine is a story teller. He has openly admitted to embellishing stories to make them more interesting, but in his eyes he does not lie or make things up. His stories are often so exaggerated that it makes it very difficult to tell fact from fiction. A few of our mutual friends have called this his "alternate reality" and often laugh at his creative art of storytelling. They have also tried to talk to him about this in the past, clearly with the message simply falling on deaf ears. Whether he realizes he exaggerates and embellishes the truth to the extent he does, I do not know. However, the more I get to know him, the more I am starting to think he believes this alternate reality.

Today it got ugly. I tried to talk to him about a story he was spinning and how I felt it was grossly over exaggerated because there is no way certain components of the story could be true - mostly for legal reasons. It turned into quite the issue and unfortunately, I had to leave town with it still festering. I am over it. I could care less if his stories are true or exaggerate or partially true or whatever. I just simply wanted to make it a point that , "hmmm.... I don't know if I believe that..."

He, on the other hand, was quite upset because he feels that now, I am calling him a liar, despite that word never coming out of my mouth. This story, in his eyes, is all true and not at all exaggerated. Why it matters if I believe him or not, I don't know. But all I can think about is the little boy who cried wolf. When his stories are generally so embellished and far fetched, and then he tells a real story has alleged truthful oddities, it sure makes it hard for the listener to believe that.

So I guess the moral of my story is this: there is no believing a liar, even when he speaks the truth.

SNOW!!!!

2011-10-07T19:25:00.002-04:00

I love wintertime.

I love the snow. I love the cool weather. I love wearing heavy sweaters and hats. I love fuzzy slippers and my flannel pajama pants. I love the weight of my down comforter on me at night. I love hot drinks and hot soup. I love a fire burning. I love staying in and cooking dinner and watching a movie. I just love it all!

Yesterday, Salt Lake City got its first snow. And I was in Dallas. This is two years in a row, now, that I missed the first snowfall. I feel like such a kid when that first flake hits the ground and I was so sad to miss it. But at least I am here a few days a week and I won't miss as much of winter like I did last year.

So drag out your winter coats. Find your boots. Winter is almost here!!

Hugs

2011-10-05T22:39:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I just need a hug. And on those days, it is a small reminder that I am single and have nobody to hold me close when I have had a bad day. Now that I am traveling for work, it is only made worse because now I don't even have my pups to come home to. In the past, I could cuddle with my dogs and gets lots of puppy kisses to make me feel better. In this lonely hotel room, I have nothing.

We all have bad days. It is just the way life goes. Our bucket slowly fills with little things here and there. Maybe a little bigger thing is piled on until we finally reach a tipping point and everything comes spilling out. But once we've emptied the bucket we are good and can start over.

Today, my bucket spilled. And it spilled all over the place. It was filled with a variety of things: problems with this project at work, different issues with a couple different friends back home, a plumbing problem at my house right as I am getting ready to leave town, and so on. And when it spilled, I just wanted a nice hug.

I hated feeling alone. I hated feeling like I had nobody here. And I didn't need or want to talk. Talking wasn't going to do anything to fix this stuff. I just wanted a hug. I just wanted someone to hold me and let me feel like I was not alone. I just wanted to feel like someone cared that I was having a bad day and could empathize with me. I just wanted a frickin hug! Is that too much to ask?

But now the day is almost over and I am getting ready to go to bed. I will fall fast asleep and wake tomorrow with a nice empty bucket that can start its slow process of filling. I will feel less lonely and forget about wanting a hug... until I once again reach my tipping point. Then, dammit, I better get a hug!

Dragging...

2011-09-28T16:21:00.002-04:00

I haven't been writing as much lately. Not sure why. Nothing to say? Too busy? Just plain exhausted? A combination of those reasons?

I really enjoy my new job. I do. But if I have anything come up over the weekend (as I did this past weekend) then that puts me at almost 2 week away from home. And it seems like I have had quite a few "weekend things" these past two months.

I had my family camping trip (which at least I was able to take my dogs on). I had my trip to Florida over Labor Day. I had Pet Super Adoption I spent some time volunteering at. And I had my annual Drinking Liberally gathering which was in Hilton Head, South Carolina. All great fun, but it comes with a price.

I am looking forward to this weekend at home. I miss my dogs and can't wait to shower them with attention. I will FINALLY get my room cleaned (yeah, yeah, yeah... I've been saying that for months). I want to try and get a good fall hike in. I will probably not see anybody in my family or any of my friends unless they come to me. It is going to be a me weekend! And I can't wait.

Fat and Happy? Or Skinny and Sad?

2011-09-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

I have noticed that when I am happy, I tend to gain weight. When I am sad (or mad, frustrated, disappointed, etc) I tend to lose weight. That is just stupid!

During the past couple years, running and hiking and biking became my therapy. When I had a bad or stressful day, I couldn't wait to get on the treadmill or drive up the canyon. It was a great release for all my negative energy with the added side effect of getting my body back in shape.

The past 4 months or so, life has been great! I am enjoying time with family and friends. I am enjoying all my travels. I am having a great time... which is coming with a price.

It is time to pull the reigns back in! It is time to get back on the treadmill and get back up in the mountains. It is time to cook more at home and dine out less. It is time to stop eating crap junk food because it is convenient. I am committed to this! So help me out, dear friends. Call me on my laziness and my unhealthy dining options. Tell me to put that second helping down. Invite me to go hiking or biking with you. I want - and need - to make this happen.

A Jaw Jabbin moment

2011-09-18T18:31:00.000-04:00

I love that the Salt Lake International airport offers free wi-fi. It feels like it is the only down time I have during the week to breathe, process my thoughts, and write. It also gives me a chance to get my dad off my back (nag nag nag... why don't you update your blog... nag nag nag... I am tired of going to your blog and seeing the same damn post... nag nag nag...) I tease. I love my father and I am glad that someone actually reads my blog and notices when I go a while without updating it (hint to my sister... whose last post is about her son's soccer game... from one year ago. Don't worry. I just read it and pretend it was last week's game.)

Oh, I am on fire tonight. I am not sure what it is... Maybe just shear exhaustion combined with a good mood and a quiet moment to myself in the corner of the airport. Either way, I will take it.

Many of you have been asking about recent events in my life. Just to catch you all up, I am enjoying my new job very much. I have decided to keep my Florida house vacant so I can visit and have a place to stay. I still have my Salt Lake house and no, it isn't on the market. I am not dating anybody at the present moment. My dogs are great and they are well taken care of when I am traveling. Everyone in my family is healthy and doing well. And I am very happy; happier than I can say I have been in a long, long time. So with that, I will go ahead and hit post and get my laptop on the charger so I have enough juice to watch my latest Netflix on my flight to Dallas.

Traveling Trust

2011-09-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

A few co-workers and I were talking one night about consulting, all the travel we do, obtaining status, etc when the movie "Up in the Air" came up. I hadn't seen it yet, but it sounded like a good one, so I added it to my Netflix queue. It finally arrived and became this week's in-flight movie entertainment on my flight to Dallas. I hated it. Well, I shouldn't say that. It was a great movie, and I was enjoying it up until the one scene...

Spoiler Alert: Now, if you have any intention of seeing this movie, you better stop reading now because continuing any further will ruin the move for you.

...where Ryan Bingham finds himself in Chicago. He knocks on Alex's door and when she opens it he discovers she is married and has children. I hated that part. I hated Alex. My heart broke for Ryan. I did not like how close to home that scene was.

To my knowledge, JR never cheated while he was on the road. I actually believe him when he says he never did, too. But he still cheated and that hurt like hell. And now here I am with a traveling job. Dating alone is going to be a challenge, but add to it that extra layer of "traveling trust" and I'm afraid I am just going to be single forever.

In my opinion, honest communication is the number one tool to building a successful relationship. Everything else - including trust - just works with that. But honest communication has to flow both ways and that doesn't always happen. I am not sure what I am trying to say here, speaking of honest communication. I just happened to see this movie and it sparked an emotional response. I am not sure what it was or how to interpret it or anything like that, but for some reason I felt like writing it down.

Second Chance

2011-09-12T10:43:00.003-04:00

I don't even remember when I first started volunteering for No More Homeless Pets in Utah, but it has to have been 7 years at least. I love the mission of the organization. I love the people I have met. And above all, I love the second chance I am giving to these animals.

My favorite event, by far is the Pet Super Adoption. This event happens every spring and fall and it is giant collaboration of animal shelters and rescue groups from across the entire state. It never ceases to amaze me how many people come to together for these two weekends every year to see to it that hundreds and hundreds of cats and dogs can find their forever homes.

During each event, I find new and creative ways to get a hold of my family and friends to show them that perfect dog I found just for them. And after each event, I always get the half serious question of how many dogs did I bring home with me - and yes, before adopting Tigra, it was a valid question.

I always get a little emotional during the Pet Super Adoptions because I see these amazing and wonderful animals and I wonder how any owner could just give them up (as is the back story for many of them) or I wonder how this one was so lucky as to be saved from being added to "the list." But I have never really gotten emotional-emotional. I have understood the reality of the homeless animal population in Utah and have been a little more pragmatic in how I have approached my volunteer activities. This adoption event, however, was another story.

For some reason, one sweet little dog got to the better of me and I found myself actually crying over her and her situation. At first, I couldn't figure out how this one dog got to the better of me, but then it dawned on me - she is Harper.

This dog was the most timid and afraid little thing at the entire event. You could tell what a sweet and lovable dog she was and you could tell she longed for human touch but was just too afraid to trust for it. She would not leave the corner of her kennel. Even after some rain had flooded her out, she was more content sitting in a pile of wet wood chips than moving for dry ground. I tried to clean out the wet chips and give her dry ones but she was so afraid of the shovel, I wound up scooping them up by hand in an attempt to try and show her I was one of the good guys. I took her for a walk, but the first swinging of my arm sent her cowering to the ground as though my hand was going to hit her. I had to slow things down. She wouldn't take a treat from me, even though I knew she wanted it. I tried to set it near her and move back but as soon she went to pick it up, she saw I was looking at her and changed her mind. How anybody could hurt any animal to this point infuriates me. And I wanted to so badly to get her to trust and open up.

When JR and I adopted Harper, he was this dog. Sammy had died just over a week before the Spring 05 adoption event and Molly was becoming very needy and lonely. We decided to "just go down there and look. We aren't ready to adopt another dog yet." After walking around for a half hour, JR had found a border collie named Paco he really liked and I saw Harper (who was named Homer, at the time.) Homer was the quietest dog hiding in the corner. Homer was so afraid and stressed from the chaos that surrounded him that I instantly fell in love with him. I took him out on leash, and he cowered low with his tail between his legs. I wanted to cry. We both found a dog we liked, but since this really was going to be a companion for Molly, she needed to have a say.

We went home and brought Molly to the adoption event. We first brought Paco into the Meet-and-Greet area but these two dogs didn't even seem to notice one another. They didn't fight, which was fine, but they just could have cared less about each other. Next, we brought in Homer. He instantly bowed down to Molly and she reciprocated. They both started to jump and play and run around in circles. It was clear that Homer had to come home with us.

Since I wasn't going to yell "Homer" from the front porch, we needed a new name. We wanted something pretty similar to make it easier to change and both JR and I were huge fans of Ben Harper. So Homer became Harper.

It took Harper some time to adjust to his new home. It became clear he was abused at one time. The tip of his tail has been broken. He has a constant tear in one eye, either from an eye injury or from a ingrown eyelash. He was more hesitant around men. If you knew him then and you know him now, you'd never believe he was the same dog. Occasionally, he does sink back into this timid behaviors, but overall he has learned to trust and enjoy life. He and Molly are the best of friends, and I think it will be harder for him than me when she is no longer with us.

It is because of the dogs like Homer and the sweet girl I met this weekend that I continue to volunteer my time for this cause. I know not every animal will get a second chance on life, but I will try to make sure as many as possible do.

Karma Time

2011-09-06T10:41:00.000-04:00

Focus on what you can control... best advice I received from a friend during my separation from JR. However, since then, I have sort of pushed it out of my head. Until these past couple of weeks, that is.

I have found myself getting frustrated and even upset with the actions of those around me. Between the Socialist and my POS Florida tenant, I am going crazy. And for what? No matter how mad I get at them, no matter how much I beg and plead for them to make right on the things they have done, it all falls on them. I can't make them take accountability. I can't make them right what they wronged. That all falls outside of my control.

I can only tell them how their actions have made me feel. I can only tell them what I'd like to see them do to make it right. But beyond that, my hands are tied. I like to believe in the notion of Karma and that we all will get what is due to us in time. When I look at the big picture, I don't have much to complain about and I'd like to think it is because I strive to be a good person and I strive to do what is right. But then life sends me a curve ball and as little as it is in the grand scheme of things, it still makes me pause and ask what I've done to deserve this. Have I let things get to my head? Have I been too happy lately that I need to be humbled? Have I begun to lose site of the things that really are important in life?

Who knows. But I do know that I can only control myself. I can't control the actions of others. And as difficult as it sometimes is for this girl, I have to just let the universe take it from there.

You're driving too fast...

2011-08-31T17:32:00.002-04:00

I went camping with HMD and some of his friends one weekend quite a while back and as we were driving to our campspot, the topic of conversation moved to "things that tell a lot about a person." He said you can get a great feel for a person by going camping with them. I said you can tell a lot about a person by how - and what - they drive.

I think both of us had good theories, but I still like mine more. It has become a great mechanism for me in weeding out men as I have sporadically played the dating game the past 2 years. And for some reason, this theory popped back into my head last week.

Are they too aggressive on the road, often flipping people off or cursing at slower drivers as they pass? Are they too timid and tap on their brakes at every gust of wind that may shake their car? Are they more concerned with the flashy sports car or shiny rims? Are they worried about fuel economy and not driving over 55 because your fuel efficiency begins to drop at anything above that? Do they use their signals and know how to merge? Do they race off the line or run red lights? Do they prefer not to drive at all but instead take public transportation or commute on bicycle?

Anyway, I think you get the point. My theory is based on the idea that we (generally, sadly) spend so much time in our cars that they almost become an extension of ourselves. Because of that, the way we act while driving and our choice of transportation mode tend to speak a lot about the type of person we are.

Let's look at my car.

A 2011 Toyota Tacoma. It is covered in dog hair and full of dog toys and treats. I regularly drive slightly above the speed limit, but not enough to feel reckless. I almost always use my signal but I frequently treat stop signs as yields. I prefer to bike or take public transit but know that isn't always easy and I often find reasons to justify driving. I prefer highways and off streets to major freeways. I love loud music that I can sing along too and nothing is better than having the windows down.

Now what does that say about me?

I'm practical. I like nice things. I care more about my dogs than anybody else, so anybody entering my life will have some competition. I like to push the limits but know when to stop. I follow rules that make sense but show complete disregard for those that don't. I try to make decisions that are socially and environmentally sustainable, but I am not as dedicated as I could be and sometimes I get selfish and lazy. I believe the journey is generally just as great - or even better - than the destination. I don't care what people think about me and I am comfortable in my element.

It's hard to look internally and maybe I'm too biased to write about myself and my car/driving style. What would you say my car and driving style have to say about me? And what does your car and your driving style have to say about you?

Obtaining Status

2011-08-30T07:26:00.000-04:00

I have two main fears with my new traveling job:

That I will become fat.
That I will become a traveling snob.

Entering my fourth week on the job, I am still pretty conscientious about both of these fears, but I have a feeling I will soon become a traveling snob. Let's just hope I am not a fat traveling snob.

You see, I have - for the first time in my life - enjoyed the luxury of flying first class. And just this week, I reached status with Hilton so I get free bottled water and breakfast. I must say it is nice. I know as I accrue more points and miles, the upgrade perks will continue to improve and I fear I will never be able to go back to the days of traveling with my three dogs and staying in the $39.99 a night dog friendly motel.

I have still been really good with my eating habits. Most mornings, I have my oatmeal for breakfast and the office is across the street from Whole Foods where they have lots of prepared meals and a tasty food bar with a wide variety of salads, soups, and other food items I can purchase a la carte. I have been trying really hard to stick to a vegetarian diet and I have scaled back on my drinking while on the road. With the exception of a cookie or two in the hotel lobby after work, I have just about eliminated sweets from my diet as well. Plus, I am packing my gym clothes and trying to workout each day.

Even still, I fear of becoming a fat traveling snob and I beg and plead of my family and friends to help keep me in check and call me out if I start slipping down either of these evil paths.

Personal Hurricane

2011-08-23T11:46:00.000-04:00

When it rains, it pours they say. If that really is the case, then this weekend I experienced my first hurricane.

It was bad enough my weekend was cut short by an extra day of travel for my job, but I also had two relatively major events happen that sucked up the little time I had left and sent me spiraling into a moderate panic mode.

The hardest part about these two relatively major events is that I am not a complete victim. I put trust in others and was being the nice person I am to help two different friends out and I wound up being the one to gett burned in the end. It just sucks that I had to get burned by them both in the same weekend.

I've always been a nice person, which generally I see as a positive trait. But am I too nice? Do I put too much faith in the goodness of people? Am I naive enough to think that just because I try to do what is right and fair others tend to do the same? I'm not sure.

After a third experience this weekend, however, I have become overly aware that while kind and open with friends, I am still less willing to believe in the kindness of others when it comes to flirting and dating. That is the only area of my life where I continue to assume the most malice intent in people and turn smug. I can blame JR's little rendezvous with his Boise mistress for still making it difficult for me to trust again. I thought I was over it and ready to move on, but I guess there is still a little bit of hold there.

Bottom line, I guess I okay with losing monetary possessions. It sucks, but those are easily replaced. However, when it comes to my heart... I am still not sure if I am ready to risk another loss.

Relative Happiness

2011-08-17T21:56:00.003-04:00

Something my mom said the other day has really been stuck in my head. I was in my last couple days before starting work and knew my dad was out of town. I wasn't sure how much free time I'd get once I started this traveling job, so I asked my mom to lunch for some mother-daughter time. We chatted about the family, my new job, and everything in between. After we made it back to her house and I was saying good-bye, she said "it's good to see you happy again."

It made me pause in my tracks. Yes, I have felt very happy since leaving Florida and even happier since my return to Utah. But was I unhappy? I didn't think I was unhappy. I thought I was in a pause. I was simply existing. But life was still good. However, when both myself and others can notice a complete change in my persona, it does make me question what happiness really is and if I was more unhappy than I was willing to admit. It's quite possible, and probably an accurate accusation, but I want to believe that I was simply in transition from unhappy to happy. It may have been a longer transition than I wanted, but each day was a day closer to happiness. I do feel happier now than I was before, and I also feel more happiness is in my future.

I guess happiness is a relative term. I felt happy in Florida in comparison to my last year in Utah. I feel happy in Utah compared to my life in Florida. And I'm sure someday I will feel happier than I do now. Or not. Who knows. Either way, today I am happy and that is good enough for me.

My Mullet Lifestyle

2011-08-15T23:08:00.003-04:00

If my life could be described with a hair style, it would be the mullet: Business in the front, party in the back. From Sunday night through Thursday evening, it is business as usual. Work hard, dress like a professional, just being the good little worker bee I am. But once Thursday night hits, it is par-tay!

Needless to say, I survived my first week on the new job and am making my way into week two. It was actually quite fun and I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the travel. I just hope this isn't a honeymoon phase and the traveling gets annoying.

I like that this company respects my skill set and sees me as an expert in my field. I like that this is a temporary gig and I can avoid getting sucked into the "politics" of an office environment. I like that I get to come into a challenge and apply myself to making solutions happen and then move onto something else. I like that I have a new city to explore. I like the "me" time I get while being on the road. I get to read and catch up on worldly events. I painted my nails for the first time in years. I get to relax in the hot tub. I have aTV and can lay in bed at night falling asleep to Office reruns or Steve Colbert. I like having someone else make my bed and clean up after me each day...

But when the work week is over, I like that I get to go home for the weekend and have three days with my family and friends. I like that I can get on a plane and leave all my work behind. I can live it up and not have to worry about being on call or working on the weekend. I like that I can spend time hiking and playing with my dogs. I like that I get to enjoy all the perks of Salt Lake City while at the same time not getting boggled down with the "bleh" that made me want to leave in the first place.

I like that I can have the best of both worlds. Just like the mullet. Business in the front, party in the back.

The last of my Florida cities

2011-08-10T07:45:00.000-04:00

I would like to think that someday I will get back to Florida - and not just to Fort Myers, but to other parts of the state as well. However... I am not sure how likely that really is! So this will be my last "official" post for the Florida cities I need to visit series and I will be deleting the sidebar gadget. I've written about each city visit in another post, so I am now just officially checking these off the list:

La Belle; Hendry County
Okeechobee; Okeechobee County
Port St Lucie; St Lucie County
Cape Canaveral; Brevard County
St Augustine; St Johns County
Jacksonville; Duval County
Tallahassee;L Leon County

Pictures, hopefully someday but probably never, will be here.

230 cities not visited. I started with 270. 40 cities visited in just about a year? I think that is pretty good!

First Day Jitters

2011-08-08T17:17:00.005-04:00

I would be lying if I said I didn't have butterflies in my stomach as I drove to the airport last night. This is a huge change for me. Not just because I am going from vacation mode back into professional mode but because I am taking on an entirely new lifestyle.

This isn't a lifestyle too foreign to me, however. For several years I was the supportive girlfriend of a man who traveled. I understand the stress of flight delays and missed connections; I understand the disappointed of missed engagements because of being on the road; and I definitely understand being away from the important people (and animals) in your life.

In some ways, I think the move to Florida may have prepared me for this new traveling gig. The only difference is now I will be away from my pups more than I'll be with them. I know to some (or most) people, they are just dogs. But to me they are my babies! They are my constant, non-judgmental, happy and loving best friends and after three months of traveling with them, it was sad to see their eyes as I loaded up my luggage... but didn't load up them.

I've had a lot of people ask me about what this new job is and what I will do with my dogs when I'm on the road. When I say it's the same stuff I've been doing for the past few years only now I'll be traveling, I get the followup question of - "what do you do? I guess I never knew..."

Well, let me answer both those questions.

First, what do I do? My technical title is "senior consultant" but that means nothing to most of you. Basically, I am a "systems analyst" meaning I configure software. I am certified in a specific medical software program that is used in hospitals and clinics. I don't program or write code, but I manipulate what is provided by the software vendor.

Let me give you just one simple example: When you go to the doctor, they collect your medical history with questions like "Do you have a family history of X, Y, or Z?" Or, they ask questions specific to your reported problem like "Are you experiencing any A, B, or C?" General family practice providers will have very different interests than a cardiologist will with regard to those questions. I configure the software to display or prompt different history questions or different reviews of symptoms based on that specialty practice.

Anyway, enough of that. It's boring. Instead of working for a specific hospital as I have for the past 3 years, I will travel to various hospitals that have short term project needs. The hospitals don't want to hire employees full time if they know it's a short term project or engagement because then they will just have to lay them off when the project is over. I fly out every Sunday to the client site (for this gig Dallas) and come home every Thursday night. It can range in duration (this gig is 3-4 months) but always has the possibility to be extended based on client need and my willingness to stick around.

Now, as far as my dogs go... My good friend the Socialist is now my roommate. He lived across the street from me before I moved to Florida and loves my dogs dearly. They love him too. So much, in fact, I worry they won't care that I am gone! They already listen to him more than me. We have many mutual friends who also know and love my dogs so I have no doubt they will get lots of love and attention while I am gone.

As I was telling my mom over lunch, I am so excited for this new job. I get bored so easily so I think the faster past and constant change will be good. I also won't have to deal with all the political and social crap that comes with working for a company because I am really just here to get the job done and get out. Also, I sometimes feel bipolar (I am a Gemini...) so this gig almost makes me feel like I have two separate lives or lifestyle which strangely sounds very appealing. I can work while on the road and play at home with no overlap. I can be solo and do my own thing while on the road and be the social butterfly when I am home. It just seems like enough balance and variety to keep me on my toes.

So that is the low down on my new job. I was upgraded to First class on my flight last night (first time ever!) and while I know I can't - and won't - fly like that every time, I will take it as an indication of how this next phase of my life is going to go.

Half the Country

2011-08-07T11:50:00.000-04:00

Once I start my new job tomorrow and complete New Employee Orientation next week, I will be able to say I have set foot in 25 states this summer. It would have been 26, except I only drove across New Hampshire. That is an insane amount of traveling!

This last road trip was the perfect way to end my summer-of-no-responsibility. Since the start date on new job was postponed one more week, I decided to load up the dogs and head to Glacier National Park. Unfortunately, National Parks are not the most dog friendly travel destinations so I tend to spend most of my time in the surrounding National Forests rather than in the actual park. But I did get to at least drive the Going-to-the-Sun road, hop out of the car for a few photos, and get a good taste of Huckleberry treats.

After a fantastic Sunday brunch with friends that left my checks hurting from laughing so hard, I loaded up the truck and the dogs and I hit the road. No agenda. Stop when and were we want. Just relax and enjoy my last week of nothing!

Our first stop was in Logan, UT where I surprised my old college friend with a visit. I say "surprised" because his phone wasn't getting service in his basement so he missed my texts and phone calls. After visiting for a few minutes, it was off to Lava Hot Springs, ID where my older sister and her family and friends were camping. I also "surprised" them (why don't people check their phones?!?) at the hot pools as they were just wrapping up. By this point, I was starting to feel a little stalker-ish...

After getting breakfast and gas in Pocatello, ID we drove into Helena, MT for my Capitol photo and a little break. Shortly after I found a nice little lake and thought I'd let the dogs swim. Silly me. This lake was too close to agriculture and didn't have the best inlet and outlet. Needless to say, the dogs smelled fantastic! Not too much further up the road I found a large stream with faster flowing water and made the dogs get back in and clean off. I also felt rather stinky from the previous night's campfire and I knew I still had a few more nights of camping, so I did what I have (surprising to some) never in my 32 years done... I stripped down and went skinny dipping! The water was freezing cold, but it was nice to feel and refreshed.

The four of us got back on the road and finished the drive to West Glacier. We tooled around the town, bought a new hoodie because I forgot to check the weather before leaving and spaced the fact it's cooler north of home, and then we found a spot to camp on forest service land where the dogs could run free. It was a great night!

The next day we drove the Going-to-the-Sun highway. There was a lot of road construction and a decent amount of traffic so that took most of the afternoon. I was in awe of how beautiful it was and was sad to read one of the signs explaining that in 1850 there were approximately 150 glaciers. Due to warming, today there are only 26 and by 2030 there is predicted to be no glaciers in the park at all.

Because I had the dogs, I wasn't able to hike around in the park which was a bit disappointing, but a known fact heading up. I was happy to have at least seen the glaciers from the road because who knows when I will be able to go back. I'd love to get back up there and do some back country exploring without my canine companions. If anybody wants to take a trip, count me in!

After a good half day in the park, we left and did some hiking in the surrounding forest service land before finding a nice spot to call home for the night. Our second nights sleep was much better than the first because this time Harper didn't mistake a lose tent strap for a predator and didn't growl for 45 minutes in the middle of the night doing nothing but freak me out.

It was time to start our slow journey back to Salt Lake. We stopped at just about every watering hole Molly could sniff out in advance until we reached the Tetons. I love the Tetons and I am so grateful to my college friends for introducing me to them in the first place. We hiked up Teton Canyon and then drove at Palisades Reservoir for a doggy swim and campout.

We were so close to home and I was looking forward to a hot bath and my own bed. I was also looking forward to the mounds of new hire paperwork that awaited me at home! I felt ready to start my new job and wanted to make sure everything was squared away for that. Outside of a quick stop in Bear Lake for a raspberry shake, it was straight home from Palisades. We were all exhausted and the Socialist had to laugh at how pooped the dogs were.

The fun has weekend into this weekend. Lunch with my mother, my nephew's birthday, a visit with my younger sister, and dinner with a good friend I haven't seen since a trip home last fall. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to the summer-of-me, but I am ready to start being an adult now. I am very excited for my new job and for the new challenges I am taking on and on that note, I better get to packing! I have a flight to catch.

Officially employeed

2011-07-29T12:35:00.004-04:00

I just electrically signed and submitted my new offer of employment. Whew, it feels good to be employed! I wasn't exactly worried about the job situation, I knew it would happen. It was just a matter of when.

My original start date was slated to be July 25, but then it got pushed to Aug 1, and now it is officially Aug 8. While I have been happy to be back in SLC, this past week has found me to be quite bored. All my friends and family have celebrated my return, but now they are back to their jobs and their stable adult lives full of responsibility leaving me to my vacation all by my lonesome.

Knowing that I have another 10 days or so until I fly to my first job site, I think I want to leave town. So where should I go? I posed that question on FB and had to laugh at one response I got: "Yeah, you should totally go somewhere because you haven't gone anywhere this summer."

While true - I have never traveled this much in a given year - I still am getting quite lazy and bored here in Salt Lake. And it is either start working or start doing something exciting.

So where should I go? I need (and want) to take my dogs. I will be driving. It needs to be relatively close (sorry Florida peeps... I am not dropping by for a visit). I am thinking somewhere north of here so it is cooler. I would like to go somewhere I haven't been before. Oh, and of course it just needs to be awesome.

I am toying with the idea of Crater National Park in Oregon? Or Glacier National Park in Montana? But I am open to other ideas and suggestions! And if you are up for a little getaway... you are welcome to tag along!

I'm a Snob

2011-07-26T12:16:00.009-04:00

I'm a snob. That was so sweetly pointed out to me by The Socialist the other day. And I know this is sad to say, but coming from him, I okay with being called that.

He drinks PBR, I drink the microbrew.
He gets his coffee in a tin can, I prefer grinding whole beans every morning.
He grabs the cleanest dirty t-shirt when getting dressed, I make an attempt to color coordinate my outfits.

Now, don't get me wrong. I <3 My Socialist dearly and we are great friends, but compared to his standards yes, I am a snob. And I have no problem saying it! I can't help it if I prefer quality to quantity.

I would rather enjoy the fine craftsmanship of a tasty microbrew than down a case of 30 PBRs just to get a buzz. I don't always drink coffee simply for the caffeine jolt, I enjoy the experience of a nice dark roast on the porch with a good magazine or book. And I have always felt t-shirts were to be worn for yard work, exercise, or special events and occasions (you know you have a Kiss me, I'm Irish! tee tucked away in your closet...)

Now, I understand quality comes at a price - a much steeper one at that. And I've had many evenings full of PBR and frozen burritos. But when given the choice of quality over quantity, I'm going to pick quality every time. And if that is what makes me a snob, then I will go out and buy the t-shirt proclaiming it today! Just make sure it is a baby doll cut in any color other than white with a shallow v-neck and crop sleeve.

One more week of vacation

2011-07-24T11:54:00.004-04:00

My first contract job wasn't able to rush the paper through fast enough to get my little team there on the 25th. What does that mean for me? One more week of vacation!

Even though I've been back in the S-L-C for two and a half weeks, it just feels like I am here on vacation. No job and no responsibility. Just play, play play! It's great, don't get me wrong. I am having a blast spending time with all my family and friends. I love being back in the mountains. I miss good music, good food, weekend festivals, etc. But there is still a decent sized part of me that says I don't want to live here. I am not sure where I want to be, exactly, but it isn't here. At least not yet.

I have a six month lease on my rental so maybe by then I will have a better idea of what I want. Maybe my new job will give me some perspective. Maybe being on the road will change my mind. Who knows. But either way, I have one more week of vacation so I am not going to think about it now!

A week of welcomes

2011-07-17T18:50:00.005-04:00

Life is good! I am having a blast being back in Utah. Every day since my return has been full of family and friends. I had a homecoming happy hour that was a blast, the twilight concert series has started, I was finally able to see HMD's band perform, I've been hiking and shopping and out to dinner with friends. And it doesn't appear to be slowing down! I start my new job on the 25th so I have at least one more week of vacation. While it is going to suck getting back to an adult life full of responsibility, at the same time I am pretty excited for this new opportunity.

Life is Pretty Damn Good!

2011-07-12T16:50:00.007-04:00

I was a bit uncertain how my move back to Utah would go. I could find myself back in the City of Salt and quickly thrown back into the same state of mind I was that year before I left (I didn't realize I was such a mess until I left!). Or, this would truly be a new beginning for me.

I am happy to report that the later has been true.

I can't stand how happy I have felt this past week! I have seen my family (including a new nephew!) and many of my friends. I have already been hiking twice. I have a new house (renting, though) in a new part of the city I have never lived and I am LOVING IT!! I am back to a walkable/bikeable community with a mountain view. The dogs and I are close to Liberty Park and I am two blocks from Trax. I have a great job opportunity in the works. My dogs are doing great. I have nothing to complain about!

I know there is no way I would have felt this good if I had moved back into my old house in my old neighborhood. There is probably no way I would have felt this good if I had taken my old job back. I haven't seen JR, and quite frankly I have no need to. He knows we are back, and if he wants to see the dogs he will let me know. But I am pretty confident if I did, things would be fine. That part of my life is done. Over. He has no hold over me and hasn't for quite some time. I feel I am unstoppable right now, and I love it!!

I must say, life is pretty damn good... and I will continue to enjoy every minute of it!

Romantic Holiday?

2011-07-04T23:39:00.003-04:00

I am sure most people don't associate the 4th of July romance, despite the presence of fireworks, but one of the most romantic gestures I have ever been the recipient of took place on the 4th of July. This was way back in the high school days when I was working at the movie theater and I had a major crush on one of the guys I worked with. He and I both got stuck working on the 4th and as we were talking, I made a comment about how this was one of my favorite holidays and because I was working, this would be the first year I could remember where I wouldn't get to light off fireworks. During one of his breaks, he snuck to the fireworks stand in our mall parking lot and bought some sparklers and firecrackers. After work, he surprised me with them and we went on the roof the theater and goofed off lighting them. It was so cute and romantic, and I am not going to lie - I still have one of the fireworks.

When I started dating JR, I saw pretty early on that he wasn't the romantic type. When I tried to casually bring it up, I got his rant about chick-flick movies and hallmark and blah blah blah none of that is real and the "industry" sets this false expectation for women that blah blah blah... you get the point. Sadly, I bought that bull shit and for so many years I felt that this (what he and I had) was what relationships were like. All that Hollywood romance stuff doesn't really exist and it leads to divorce/breakups because people are always wanting this imaginary reality and no relationship really has it. You know, that whole "grass is greener" argument. Exect I have seen it. With the fire crackers back in high school and in every guy I have dated since JR.

I received an email from JR the other day (we were talking "business") and he made some comment about whether I would be okay with [something involving seeing him with another woman, should he be dating someone]. I didn't address that comment in my reply, but I sure wanted to. This isn't the first time I have received an email from him since our breakup with comments like that, as though I should still be sad he isn't part of my life, as though I lost something so great and wonderful, as though this is still hard and he hopes I am okay and can move on with my life.

Honey, I got over YOU a LONG time ago! The part I can't get over so easily is how stupid I was to let myself settle with simply being content for 8 years when I should have been demanding happiness. I let him manipulate situations and twist arguments to make me feel bad for thinking I wanted more. I let him make me feel like our relationship was healthier than other peoples and that we had it good. Really, our biggest strength was that we didn't fight. But that was because we didn't communicate.

Honestly, the hardest part of this separation from JR is realizing how easy it was to let my emotions take over my logical brain. I can look back now and see how many decisions I made to make him happy, how many decisions I made because I it was what he wanted, how many ways I compromised on what was important to me because of what was important to him.

I hope someday the 4th of July will be a romantic holiday. I hope that someday I will have spent all day with friends BBQ-ing and playing frisbee. I hope that someday I will have someone with their arms wraped around me as we sit on a blanket in the park with hundreds of other people watching the fireworks above us. I hope that someday I will have someone who is willing to do this despite their own personal interest - or lack of - in fireworks or the big holiday ordeal but because they know it would make me happy - that is true romance in my book.

Way too soon!!

2011-07-04T20:09:00.004-04:00

This road trip came way too soon after my last one. I have no desire to make any stops. I have no desire to get in and out of my car. I have no desire to sightsee. I just want to drive and get home! Today we hit the halfway mark. We are only halfway?!?! How can we only be halfway when we have been driving FOREVER!!! Or so it feels...

We left Fort Myers early Saturday evening. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would to pack up my U-Haul and clean my house and I saw no point in just sitting around my empty house with nothing to do. The dogs and I drove about 3 hours to Ocala, FL and spent the night there. The next day we drove all the way into Memphis, TN which made for a good 13 hour drive. That was the longest drive I have ever done in one day, and I think both the dogs and I were feeling it! After sleeping in nice and late and taking our time getting on the road, we drove a much shorter 7 hours to Kansas City, MO.

The dogs and I are looking forward to a nice and relaxing evening tonight. I have a pizza on its way and the man who works the front desk of the hotel said we are just a few blocks from an amusement park that lets of a great 4th of July fireworks show. He said the view from my room will be great.

We have about 17 more hours of driving until we get to Salt Lake. Tomorrow we should make it to Cheyenne, WY and then it's straight through to Salt Lake City the following day. Who's offering to give me a massage once I get there? Trust me, I need it!

Bring it!

2011-06-30T15:55:00.008-04:00

As I have been packing up my house and getting ready to move back to Utah, I have begun to feel a huge sense of relief. Each day and each box packed I feel lighter and lighter. It is as though through all my packing, I am packing up the last of the pieces of my JR saga, only that box will not be coming back with me to Utah.

I am excited and eager for whatever is next in my life. Florida was the perfect place to take a step back, rediscover myself, and start with something new. Now that I have regained my confidence and given myself a "trial run", so to speak, I am ready to keep it going. I am excited for my new job prospect. I am excited to be back in Utah for a bit. I am excited for what the world has to offer.

Many people told me their 30s were the best years of their life. When JR and I split two months before my 30th birthday, I found that hard to believe. But now, 2 years later, I am having the time of my life. And I don't think I'd be able to say that if JR and I were still together. So, Universe, keep it coming! This girl is ready for you.

Why do I stress??

2011-06-29T18:34:00.002-04:00

I always stress, and I am not sure why. Things always have a way of working out. I have been really worried about finding housing for my return to SLC. For just me? Easy. I have lots of options. For just the dogs? Easy. The ex said he they could stay at the old house for a while until I figure things out. For both me and the dogs? Not so easy. I had just about given up then today - wham! I get a positive response. Yay! I am so happy. It is a 2 bed, 1 bath, 2 car garage near the Trolly Square area. It is pet friendly with a doggie door and fenced yard. I am so happy!

And all this came right after my two phone interviews today which were equally as promising. Basically, the consulting firm likes me and is sending my resume out to clients. As soon as we find a client that wants me to work with them, the consulting firm will officially hire me. Yay, again!

I don't know why I stress. Everything always has a way of working itself out!

Diva Party!

2011-06-28T08:35:00.004-04:00

Last night was the Downtown Diva's birthday, so naturally we had a celebration. It was the first time I had seen everybody since I returned from my trip, and sadly it will probably be the last. While I was on the road, I made the decision to leave Florida for good. The move here was exactly what I needed in my life at the time, but not what I want (or need) now.

I hate good-byes. I hated the good-byes when I left Salt Lake and now I get to do it all again leaving Florida. Quite honestly, I would rather just write my good-bye and slip out the door before anybody reads it.

I try to convince myself that with the modern technology we have - such as Facebook - saying goodbye really doesn't exist anymore. Keeping in contact is so easy, you have to make an effort not to stay in touch these days.

I have written about my Florida friends before, but I am going to do it again. I can't thank them enough for all they have done for me in this short period I have known them. They let some random stranger right into their social circle. They listened to my story and offered advice. They understood this wandering-phase my life is in and shared similar stories of their journey.

I honestly think people come into our lives for a reason. I sure know how they impacted me this past year, I just hope I gave them something in return.

Home Again!

2011-06-26T11:47:00.004-04:00

Well, we made it! After leaving Maine, I was anxious to just get home - Utah home, not Florida home - so it was pretty much a heads-down, eyes-on-the-road, sort of drive to make it back to Fort Myers. I am eager to wrap up things here and get on the road back to Utah. Having pretty heavy rain for most of the drive lessened my guilt of not taking advantage of my time in all these states and stopping to see the sights.

We did make a couple stops in Maine, though. We passed through Augusta to see the capitol building, and then we stopped again in Portland to see the most iconic Maine symbol and oldest lighthouse.

After 3 days of heavy rain and heavy traffic we made it home safe and sound. We hit both NYC traffic and DC traffic in the same afternoon! Lucky us. All in all, for the entire trip, we drove about 6055 mile.

Now to make it back to Utah...

Farewell, Maine!!

2011-06-21T22:03:00.002-04:00

Travel Day: Tuesday, June 21
What an amazing day! I am sad it is my last in Maine, but the dogs and I made sure we did it right. We spent the first half of the day hiking in Acadia National Park. Poor Harper was so done, he wouldn't get out of the truck when we got back to the hotel. The poor dog probably thought we were will hitting another hike trail! After I cleaned up, I had a fantastic BBQ lunch at the Atlantic Brewery Company and then joined the tour and tasting session that followed. I took a nice nap before heading back into town and hopping aboard the Margaret Todd Schooner boat for a sunset cruise. It was spectacular, and I was a little upset that I left my phone in the hotel and my camera battery died halfway through the cruise. We saw seals and porpoises and the view on the water was breathtaking.

Now I am back at the hotel and trying to organize and clean up the rest of my things. I pretty much unpacked my entire truck, cleaned it out, and am repacking it. Good times! I am sort of excited to start my trip back to Florida. I am dreading the heat after this perfect 65 degree weather, but hopefully I can take care of all my lose ends pretty quickly and get back on the road to Utah. I am ready to see what is next for me.

They say it's your birthday...

2011-06-20T21:50:00.003-04:00

When JR and I were together, each year on my birthday he would wake me up by blasting the Beatles birthday song. It was one of the few things he did that really was pretty sweet. Today, as I got in my car after breakfast, that song was playing on the radio.

Today will be one of my better birthdays in my mind. I am in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, I am with my sweet canine companions, and I am on the most courageous adventure of my life so far. I have written in previous posts about how living in Florida has provided many opportunities for me to reflect on myself as a person, and one of the realizations I have had is that I was always putting others first - be it JR, the non-profits I volunteered with, family and friends, etc. I was always moving at a millions miles a minute, and doing all these things for other people, not necessarily for me. Moving to Florida has taught me how to make sure I am putting me and my wants first... only in a less negative way than it sounds.

This road trip I have been on has been all about me. I am doing all these things I have wanted to do. I am seeing all these things I have wanted to see - plus things I never knew existed but stumbled along across the way. And I am doing them on my schedule. It has been a very liberating experience.

Yet, despite all this positive energy, today I broke down in tears. I know many of you readers are now thinking - oh no, I hope you are okay - and you are getting ready to comment - things will get better... blah blah blah... those other positive words of encouragement. But things are not bad! I think as a society, we think any sad emotion is bad and we do everything we can to change it. But that just leads to other problems and a discussion beyond this post. Bottom line is that it is okay to be sad. It is healthy to be sad.

I am not sure what triggered it - the breathtaking view, pride in the challenges I have overcome, loneliness that my family and friends are so far away, pity that I am spending my birthday with my dogs, fatigue from 3 weeks of go, go, go. Who knows. But it was a nice, cleansing cry. And afterwards I felt lighter. I felt like this journey has all been worth it and this was the climatic moment of it all. It was as though the tower that has been looming above me has finally fallen. My gut was telling me after the Toronto experience to keep going to Maine and I am so glad I listened. To think I would have missed out on this past week of my trip just makes me sad.

I am so grateful for everything I have. I love my family and my friends and I am so fortunate to have had the opportunity to take a break from working to travel the country for a while. It has been the most humbling experience. I still have no idea where I am going from here, but I know that with a positive attitude and an open mind, it will work out. At least, it all has so far.

Whale Watching and Acadia National Park

2011-06-20T19:20:00.003-04:00

Travel Day: Monday, June 20
What an amazing day!!! I was up early (first day I had to actually set my alarm, I think) so I could get to the dock and board the Friendship Manor for my Whale Watching and Puffin viewing cruise. We set off and sailed out to Petit Manon National Wildlife Refuge, which happens to also contain Maine's second tallest lighthouse. There were lots of puffins and other types of birds I have already forgotten the names of, but they were all flying about so much that I couldn't get a good photo of them. From there we sailed further out into the gulf where we wound up seeing 6 finback whales, which was so neat! I guess they are the most common type of whale in the Gulf of Maine. The tour guides said dress warm, and I think I underestimated the temperature because my poor fingers were frozen! It was nice to get back to shore and thaw out. We had a naturalist on board who was so informative, it was great! I love the guided tours, I learn so much more and this guy was definitely one of the better ones I have had.

After the tour, it was a nice late breakfast before grabbing the dogs and heading into Acadia National Park. We drove the scenic loop, stopping here and there to hike and play. I got more sun than I thought I would have and will need to remember to put on sunblock tomorrow. The views here are breathtaking and like always, my camera won't even capture the beauty the eye can.

It was nice that we only drove 50 miles today! And since I am so pooped and don't want to drive anymore, I spent the eveningt cleaning house - or truck. I did some laundry, emptied the truck, washed the dog beds, and tried to get the front part of the truck reorganized for our journey back home. Tomorrow I will do the same for the back of the truck.

I heart Maine!

2011-06-19T21:39:00.005-04:00

Travel Day: Sunday, June 19
I don't ever want to leave, it is so beautiful here!! The foliage, the water, the lighthouses, the wild flowers, the sky, everything! I am so in love with Maine. Today the dogs and I were up nice and early so we strolled through downtown Portland. We walked along the harbor, stopped by a bakery for some bread and coffee, and then we began our drive north to Bar Harbor. Along the drive, I had an impulsive moment and continued past Bar Harbor another 100 miles to Quoddy State Park, which is the most eastern point in the United States. It had some nice hiking trails so it was a good break for the dogs and I. We walked to the lighthouse and down into the water - which was so cold, but despite that Molly swam! From there, it was back south to Bar Harbor where we received the best hotel customer service so far on this trip. This wound up not being a dog friendly hotel (expedia had incorrect information again!) yet they let us stay. They moved our room to one further from the rest of the guests - we are the last one, which is fine because I like to be out of the way. Plus, we are close to the woods and a nice grass area to walk the dogs in. I walked around town for a few minutes, grabbed a bite to eat, and talked to my family on the phone (needed to do the Father's Day wishes thing), and now we are relaxing in the hotel. We aren't going to move anywhere beyond town for the next three days, which I am sure we are all looking forward to!

Total driving today - 356 miles. Whew!

Maine!!

2011-06-18T20:39:00.004-04:00

Travel Day: Saturday, June 18
Up early and on the road, not like yesterday! It was a relaxing 139 miles (corrected from 178) drive today from Providence, RI to Portland, ME with a pass through Salem, MA. It was time for an oil change, so that took up a nice hour. The Bruin's victory parade was going on in Boston so passing through that town took an hour. I spent the afternoon in Salem with a couple Utah friends who have moved to Massachusets. It was good to see them and walk through this quant town. We stopped by the "Witch House", which was a stretch at best. The house belonged to one of the judges who presided over the witch trials. It wasn't even a real witch's house! We strolled through the cemetery and saw the memorial built for those who were wrongfully sentenced to death for witchcraft. We spent a little bit of time in a brand new Salem Museum and then we strolled to the waterfront where a reenactment was taking place of when General Gauge, who was the governor of Massachusets, decided to try and move the capitol from Boston to Salem. We had some lunch on the water and then it was time to go. I made the easy drive from Salem to Portland where I am just going to stay in, relax with the Incredible on TV, and plan my next few days here.

Tomorrow I am thinking I will do a walking tour of Portland and then head to Bar Harbor where I will spend a few days and celebrate my birthday in Acadia National Park. It feels like the perfect place to be!

This year, in review.

2011-06-17T21:48:00.003-04:00

When I had my cards read back in April, she did a timeline for me - April through the end of the year. She had told me that June was going to be a really difficult month for me. Knowing I was about to embark on this little journey, I had to question the cards with a bit of disbelief. Now, though, I have to agree with the cards.

Just to be clear, difficult does not mean bad. This month has been amazing. I have been traveling the country and seeing some pretty incredible things. I have had interesting conversations with the most random people. It has been great. But it hasn't been without challenges. The dogs have added an added element of stress. The long days of driving are tiring. Being stuck with my own thought all day can be emotionally exhausting. It's been difficult in a ways I am not used to nor can really descibe, but I have been open to the challenge and feel like I am a better person for my experiences.

it was interesting that she said July was going to be an amazing and fantastic month because I wasn't sure how June would be different than July (my original plan put me on this road trip for both June and July), with the exception of a new nephew arriving that month. I assumed, naturally, that he would be the reason July would be amazing and fantastic. However, my plans have changed a bit and I am planning to go back to Utah earlier than planned so I can only assume that great things are going to happen at home in July - outside of my new nephew, of course.

Whether you put stock in the spiritual stuff is your own belief; but I have had too many coincidences with my card readings to call them just coincidences. Whether they are just that or something more, my cards say this year is going to be a goodie! And I believe it!

Dog Walker for Hire

2011-06-17T21:41:00.003-04:00

Travel Day: Friday, June 17
Today was a relatively small travel day at only 141 miles. We left New Haven and made a little stop at Costco for dog food and rawhides on our way to Harford. I quite enjoyed Hartford. It was a smaller big city with lots of walkable areas while still maintaining access to parking. We saw the Old State House, the new State House, walked through a nice city park, and then toured the Mark Twaine home and just saw the Harriet Beecher Stowe house because the next tour wasn't for another hour and the dogs had been locked in the car long enough. I heard Hartford was known for their pastries, so I had to stop at one I found online and let's just say I was not disappointed. We made it to Providence, Rhode Island, which is an adorable community! I walked around looking at the old buildings, which reminded me a little of San Fransisco with the quant homes on the hills, they are just much older homes. I visited the Capitol (I am not sure what my fascination is with capitol buildings) and then stopped by a local brewery for some dinner. I think seeing the Capital and tasting local brew is my way to say I have truly seen a place!

My random moment of the day - I had two people within 5 minutes of each other ask me how much I charge for my dog walking services (this was downtown Hartford). I had to explain they were all my dogs, and they all found it amusing.

We ain't in Kansas anymore!

2011-06-16T21:28:00.006-04:00

Travel Day: Thursday, June 16
We ain't in Kansas anymore! Today's drive took us through the big cities. We are no longer putzing around in small town Americana, which is sad on so many levels. Gas costs more, there are more unavoidable toll roads, bumper to bumper traffic, hotels are more expensive, it's harder to take the dogs along with me, and so on and so on.

I didn't factor many of these into my travel budget so I have yet another reason to be relieved we are cutting this trip short a couple weeks. Today I spent over $20 in tolls, gas was $4.39 a gallon, and this was the first hotel that has cost me over $100. Hopefully in Maine things are cheaper, and hopefully I will get to camp.

Our drive today took us from Dover, Delaware to New Haven, Connecticut. We stopped in Wilmington, Delaware were we toured the Winterthur Museum. I know that when Winterthur was first created, it was 7 miles from Wilmington (which before cars was a long distance) and it pretty much was built as its own city with it's own zip code. I am not sure if that is still true or if it is just part of Wilmington. I also learned that the DuPont family (the one to create Winterthur) were friends with the Vanderbilts, which was the family who had the Biltmore house in North Carolina. It makes sense that they would be friends. Back in that day, there were not many families with that level of wealth and status and I am sure it just made sense that they were all friends. I can't even begin to imagine how it must have been to live in Winterthur (of Biltmore or any of those other estates).

We drove through New York City (got to see the Bronx and Queens and the skyline from the road) on our way to New Haven, CT right at 5:00 pm. That was fun!

After finally getting to our hotel, I took the dogs with me and we walked through New Haven and the Yale campus. It is very pretty downtown area, but I have a feeling once you leave, the outskirts start to get a bit sketchy. The dogs loved being able to walk with me since they were stuck in the car all day, including while I toured the Winterthur estate, thank you cool weather!

ps: 307 miles put on the ole truck today.

What day is it??

2011-06-15T21:47:00.010-04:00

Travel Day: Monday, June 13
Today was a pretty solid driving day. We drove 457 miles from Toronto all the way into Gettysburg. We took a quick doggie-potty break in Mt. Morris, NY which was the birthplace of Francis Bellamy, the man who wrote the pledge of allegiance. We stopped briefly in Harrisburg, PA where I snapped a quick photo of the Capitol building (I think the PA legislative session may be in progress because parking/traffic was a joke). From there we drove into Gettysburg. I loved Gettysburg and am finding this trend of loving all the quant small towns with lots of history and character. I met a few locals and had some great conversations with actual humans (the dogs are fun to talk to and all...) I loved strolling through the cemetery and battlefields and it was neat to stand in the same spot that Lincoln stood so long ago when he gave his famous speech.

Travel Day: Tuesday, June 14
After 189 miles, we made it from Gettysburg to Lexington Park, MD. My Aunt Jodi lives there and it would have been cruel for me to be so close and not stop and say hi. We made a small detour to Harper's Ferry on our way, another rich-in-history town on the border of West Virginia and Maryland. Loved it, of course. It was great to see my Aunt Jodi and her family. Jodi's birthday is this week, and a few of her girlfriends were taking her out to dinner so I was able to tag along. They were a nice group of ladies. She has 3 kids, and it has been so long since I have seen her, the youngest I had never even met! Her kids are adorable, and it was so nice to see them all.

Travel Day: Wednesday, June 15
155 miles from Lexington Park, MD to Dover, Deleware. This is my first time in Deleware so I am excited to be able to cross this state off my list (I have a goal to visit them all). Today was a great day! I got to spend most of it with family, which was nice. My cousin was receiving an award at school (it's the second to last day) so I tagged along to watch. She was so very excited to see me there. We went to lunch and had good conversations and then got some ice cream before the dogs and I hit the road. My cousins (that is a bit strange to say, I want to call them my niece and nephews) are adorable and I had so much fun playing with them! They may be coming out to Utah in July, but I think I will still be in Florida. Hopefully they will be able to see the rest of my family. Dover is a relatively boring, but very cute, town. I walked around the historic district, took some pictures, and then found a tavern and had a drink. The name of the place was The Golden Fleece Tavern and it was originally a bar during the 1700's where many political gatherings and meetings where held. It was actually the place where the signing of the Constituation took place. The people were so excited or something, but they walked out without paying their bill. A copy of the bill hangs on the wall of the new tavern built a block away.

I decided yesterday to switch gears and head north to Maine. Seeing all 50 states has always been a goal of mine, and I was so very excited to see Maine (more than I was to get into Canada). Even though I decided to cut Canada from the trip, I was sort of sad the other states had gotten cut and I figured I can still visit them. Since I am so close, I would regret not taking this opportunity get into Maine.. Plus, it is my birthday in a week and I want to be somewhere fun and cool for that. I don't want to be alone in Florida and have a boring birthday. My 30th was right after my split from JR, I really skipped last years birthday because I may have been depressed, so this year I want to have something cool. The google map said that from my Aunt's house to Maine is about 13 hours of driving. I figure I can break it up over 3 days, spent a few nights in Maine, and then head to Florida. I estimate I willl get to Florida by the end of the month, take most of July to take care of the Florida business, and then head to Utah for a while. I have a couple of options I am still trying to worth through, but I think I will be in Utah for 3-6 months regardless of which option I choose. But, as with everything I do, that could change tomorrow

Canada, eh?

2011-06-12T18:42:00.012-04:00

Travel Day: Sunday, June 12

It was another fun day in downtown Toronto. I went sight seeing, caught the Toronto Blue Jays vs Boston Red Sox ball game (Red Sox slaughtered the Blue Jays!) I had more problems with my debit card, causing me to miss breakfast and forcing me to really stretch the little cash I was able to get yesterday as my gaurantee to see the baseball game. Needless to say, it didn't stretch far. My credit card, but not debit card, was finally working after the game so I did a little shopping and bought my souvenir hoodie and grabbed some dinner back in Chinatown.

My dogs have been in constant contact with me for the past 12 days that since I got back to the hotel room, they have all practically been sitting in my lap - all three - because they appear to be going through mama withdrawal. All the traveling we have done so far has been fairly small town that it has been no problem taking the dogs with me. In fact, most people have loved my dogs and they get us quite the bit of attention. In Toronto, however, it is so crazy of a place I can barely navigate myself down the steets, there would be no way I could navigate three dogs. Besides, places like this are places I'd love to share with another person. I don't want my memories in a cool place like this to be of me alone. I think I will save my awesome Canadaian vacation for when I can enjoy it in the company of others. Tomorrow, the dogs and I are going to start our journey back to Florida and will include one stop in Maryland to visit my Aunt Jodi and her family.

ps: 47 miles driven today.

We are ready...

2011-06-11T20:49:00.006-04:00

Travel Day: Saturday June 11
I have been debating whether to finish out this trip as originally planned or packing up and heading home (real home, not Florida home). As I wrote yesterday, Canada was my "destination", if I had one, and I was going to see how things played out in Toronto before deciding whether to finish the trip or head home. I think today was a sign, and I am going to listen and start heading home.

The morning was fine. We crossed into Canada where we saw the falls from the "other" side. The dogs got in with no problems, the border agent even said he wanted to steal Tigra and take her home (everybody loves Tigs the most). The falls were great, much better than the American side, and after spending a little time there we moved into Toronto.

We got into Toronto at about 12:30. Our hotel was situated nicely in the downtown area and we were only about 8 km from the hotel. At about 2:00, we finally arrived. Yes, traffic is that bad here. We get to the hotel where there is zero parking. The hotel parking is 2 blocks away at a cost of $15.00 per day and you have to have your hotel key before they will let you in. I park illegally so I can go check in, praying I don't get a ticket - or worse - towed. The manager was very nice but sincerely sorry to tell me that the dog policy has changed and he hasn't updated the information on expedia/hotwire/travelocity/etc. He now only accepts 1 dog per room with a now NON-refundable deposit of $100, plus the nightly $20 per dog fee. He has just had too many problems, however since it wasn't updated, he would go ahead and let me bring in two dogs. When I told him I actually had three dogs (I had to be honest, there was only one way in and it was right past the front desk) he said no. Expedia, where I booked the room, doesn't do refunds. However, the hotel called and explained the situation and said he was willing to grant the refund. That phone call took nearly 30 minutes but hopefully (I still haven't seen the refund in my bank account) everything went through just fine.

He knew of no other dog friendly hotels and I could not find free wi-fi so I could use my iPad. I had turned off my phone after calling AT&T before crossing into Canada to find out the international rates (ridiculous!!!) I started to drive to hotels that were close and that were brand names I knew as dog friendly. Thank you, GPS! Finally, at 4:00, I found one. Bad news is that it is almost to the airport and not anywhere near anything. Oh well. I was exhausted, the dogs were tired, and we were sick of driving around.

We got situated and I decide to go check out the town. I got gas, found parking, and I started touring the area. I strolled through Chinatown and then found Yonge Street, which is said to be the longest street in the world. There was an International India Movie Fesitval taking place which was cool to cheek out and then I found some dinner. My debit card got denied at the restaurant. I had called my bank ahead of time to notify them I would be leaving the country and they said I would be fine. I have plenty of money so I know insufficient funds shouldn't have been the problem. I had no idea why it was declined. I found an ATM and tried that. Again, declined. I happened to have $25 US dollars, and the server said they would take US dollars, so at least I could pay for my meal. But that was pretty humiliating and that left me with no money left to pay for parking.

I had to cave and pay the outrageous international roaming charges to call my bank and figure out what was going on. She couldn't help me, because what do you know, their entire system is down. That would probably explain why I can't use my debit card. It also explained why she can't access anything and tell me what is wrong. She has no idea what is wrong or when it will be fixed, so sorry... She doesn't know what to tell me. I went back to the parking garage and explained the situation to the garage guy. He gets my plate info and says I can mail in my payment and he lets me go. That was great, because I have no idea what I would have done stuck there.

I was so exhausted and frustrated and broke so I just went back to the hotel. As I got close, I saw an ATM that happened to have a parking spot in front of it - which is hard to find! I tried my card, and lucky for me it worked. I got some cash out that I can use for tomorrow because I was really hoping to go to the Blue Jays vs Red Sox game.

It was a crappy day. Part of it was my exhaustion, part of it was the situation, but either way, I think I should take that as a sign that it is time to go back home. I will go to the baseball game tomorrow and spend the night here, but I think Monday mooring we will begin our journey back to Fort Myers. We will take our time, there is no hurry, but I think it is time to end my year long vacation and get back to the real world.

Part of me feels like a quitter, I had set out on this great 6 week vacation and it only will be about 3. But it was still an Epic Vacation in my mind. I saw some incredible things, met some amazing random people, saw old friends, and will see family on my way back to Florida. I had some great conversations with myself. I pushed myself; this wasn't easy. But it is time. And if you saw how close these three dogs are curled up to me right now (which is a rarity), you would agree that they are done too.

ps: 107 miles driven today

Last day in the USA... for a while.

2011-06-10T20:39:00.005-04:00

Travel Day: Friday, June 10
We had the longest drive today - 347 miles - but I was so determined to make it to Niagara Falls in just one more drive day instead of breaking it into two. The dogs and I are pooped, and Canada was our "destination", if we had actually had one. I have been on the fence about when to go home. I have come this far and hate to turn back, but we are getting pretty tired. I am going to slow things down in Canada and spend 2-3 nights in each of the Canadian cities we visit. Hopefully by extending my stay, it will reduce the traveling fatigue. It did in Asheville, at least. We will see how we do after Toronto.

Today we passed through Punxotawny, PA where we visited the Weather Center and saw the famous groundhog, Phil. We sopped by the Kazoo Factory and Museum, which is the only Kazoo making factory in America. And, naturally, I saw the famous Niagara Falls. What a site! Word to the wise - if you aren't going to do any of the on water tours and such, go in the evening. The parking lot attendant and observation ticket attendant both stop charging (I got there around 6:45) so I saved $10 on parking and $13.50 on the observation deck.

Tomorrow we are going to try and get into Canada. I say try because I am worried about the dogs getting in. I read several different reports online about the requirements. Most just say current vaccinations and a well vet report in the past year, but one website said a specific form from the vet is required stating good health and another site said the well vet report has to have been in the past 30 days. I guess we will just wait and see... If we don't get in, then we will just start heading back to Florida.

Running for the border!

2011-06-09T22:30:00.008-04:00

Travel Day: Thursday, June 9
Writing these posts is the only way I can keep track of the dates! After a restful night in Roanoke, VA the dogs and I jumped back onto the Blue Ridge Parkway and finished driving it. With the exception of a few side trips to attractions near the parkway, we drove the entire thing. I feel like I am abusing the dogs. They are so tired that all they want to do is stay in the car! We did two hikes today - Falling Water/Flat Top and then the Natural Bridge. The Natural Bridge one was nice because it is so dog friendly, they even encouraged me to let the dogs off leash so they could go cool off in the water. It was great! Before that hike, though, I was able to tie the dogs up under a shady tree to see the Natural Bridge Caverns, which are the deepest commercialized ones in the east.

We put in a lot of miles today... 285. Tomorrow will be another big day because I want to make it to Niagara Falls in one longer day rather than break it up into two really short days. Let's just hope I am not missing out on anything pretty cool between here and there. After Niagara Falls, I am hoping to get into Toronto and catch a baseball game. The Blue Jays are playing the Boston Red Sox the next three days but I don't want to buy tickets until I know I can get the dogs across the border without any problem. I will probably spent two days in Toronot to relax and recoup and then I think we will just start our way back to Florida. I am getting pretty tired, the dogs have already reached exhaustion, and I think I am ready to call the Florida chapter of my life written. I am ready to start the next chapter.

Run Forest, Run

2011-06-08T19:53:00.003-04:00

There is a scene in the movie Forest Gump where Forest goes out for a run and winds up running across the country for three years, two months, fourteen days and sixteen hours only to just stop and say "I want to go home." I felt like Forest Gump today.

I had no idea what to expect when I left on this trip. I was probably a little idealistic in my itinerary, but I just needed a break. I haven't had a really good break for a really long time. Even when I moved to Florida, I had no break. I worked the day before I hit the road, plus I was working on packing and emptying out my house. So, a break is what I decided to take.

The dogs and I have been on the road for just over a week now and I think it was Asheville and the Blue Ridge Parkway that gave me exactly what I was looking for. How sad we had to go all this way just to go camping! No, it was more than just that. This trip has been amazing. But I had this moment today where I felt "I want to go home" - or, rather, that I am okay and can go home anytime I am ready. And I think I am ready to start the next chapter of my life. I am ready to start working again and see where my life will take me. I am done in Florida, and quite frankly I am not sure I want return after my trip back to Utah. Hopefully I can get my house cleaned and on the market before I go to Utah so there is no need to go back to Florida. But in order to make sure I have enough time for that, it means I will need to cut this trip short. And I think I am okay with that.

So, this Epic Vacation is still an Epic Vacation in my mind. And it isn't over yet. I do want to get into Canada and I do want to see Niagara Falls. I just think I will have to save the second half of my itinerary for next summer.

The Blue Ridge Parkway

2011-06-08T18:35:00.004-04:00

Travel Day: Tuesday, June 7
After a nice and relaxing evening in Asheville, it was time to start our drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway. I have heard so many great things about this drive so I was very eager to take it. I stopped by the store to load up on groceries since I was hoping to stay on the parkway and camp, and there aren't services directly on the route. I can't even describe the beauty of this drive, but I hope everybody gets the opportunity to do this drive.

Random things from the drive: Struck up a conversation with a man at one overlook who lived in Park City, UT for a while, moved to West Palm Beach, FL and is on his way to Canada. Made it to the highest point east of the Mississippi (Mount Mitchell, evelation 6684 f). Hiked Crabtree Falls. Finally got to use my new truck tent where it began to rain as soon as I had finished setting it up!

We drove 175 miles today.

Travel Day: Wednesday, June 8
After a nice night camping, I was up with the sun. The air was fresh and cool and I almost cried because I miss camping so much! We started our day with a hike to Linville Falls where we met a woman who winters in Naples, FL and lives up here in the summer. We stopped by the Linn Cove Viaduct information center and took a small walk. We also took a small trail to the Cascades and then ate lunch in the picnic area. 234 miles later, we made it to Roanoke, VA. After a hot shower and dinner, I think we are done for the day!

Maybe I should move to Asheville...

2011-06-06T21:39:00.005-04:00

Travel Day: Sunday, June 5
Only 90 miles, which was enough! After a night camping (that equals a night with no sleep) I was exhausted and wasn't looking forward to a long drive. I left Spartangburg early and made the small trek to Asheville. I have been told by many people that this is a place that would fit me, and as I got closer and closer, I just started to beam! The flat land turned into nice rolling hills that started to turn into mountains (by east coast standards.) The landscape started to get greener and more lush. I felt like I was in the mountains! I stopped by the Carl Sandburg home, which was breathtaking. No wonder he was such a great poet. With that scenery, I'd be able to write great stuff, too. I got the dogs checked into the hotel and went and grabbed some dinner. This place is great! Quant, full of character, local businesses, etc. I had a few drinks and decided I don't want to live in Florida anymore (see previous post)

Travel Day: Monday, June 6
It was a small, drive around town kind of day. Only 35 miles. I did the tourist thing this afternoon. I visited the Biltmore Estate and Winery. They say give it a full day, which I thought was funny, but then I found myself spending nearly 5 hours there. I started with the gardens, which were amazing! At one point, I was strolling and thinking and found myself nearly in tears by how serene and tranquil it was. I felt so at home and realized how not at home I have felt in Fort Myers for the past 10 months. The house was equally incredible and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have that much money. After coming back to the hotel to play with the dogs, I went out and toured a couple breweries. I was very excited at one, The Green Man, because the bartender said they were in the final negotiations with Epic Brewery back in SLC to distribute their beer. I was reminded, yet again, of what a small world we live in!

Now I am back at the hotel, completely exhausted. I am really glad I spent two nights here. 1) I love this area! and 2) having to pack and unpack is exhausting. And I think it is wearing on the dogs.

The next few days we will be driving the Blue Ridge Parkway North, hoping to camp 2 nights and then arrive in Roanoke, VA to meet up with a work friend from my job in Florida (she is there for her sons high school graduation). That probably means limited Internet so I will catch you all up later!

It's all about the journey...

2011-06-06T15:55:00.006-04:00

When I set out on the road, one of my goals was to stay off the interstate as much as possible, and it has paid off! There are so many cute houses, silly signs, historic main streets, and farms that are all so picture worthy, it is taking two to three times as long to drive. I almost wish I was walking it because I constantly want to stop and take pictures. I wanted this trip to be about the journey, not the destination, and so far the journey has been great.

I know I am done in Florida. But I have no idea what is next. When I first hit the road, I figured this trip would be about figuring that out, but I don't think I am going to get an answer to that question. I think the job determine that like it did with my move to Florida. What this trip has done is given me a sampler plate of US cities and town to help give me an idea of what the rest of the country is like and what I want to see in a community when I finally do decide to put some roots down.

But after my drive into Asheville... I have to have mountains, no argument, and I am determined to buy my cabin before I turn 35!

Phew. I'm still me!

2011-06-06T08:44:00.006-04:00

There were a few minutes there where I was beginning to forget who I was. I was getting sucked into the apathetic world of suburbia living in Fort Myers. I no longer volunteered anywhere, I bought a not exactly fuel efficient truck, and I didn't even vote in the last election (a first since I turned 18!) On this little road trip, however, I have had many moments where I have really lit up and felt like I was at home.

My favorite cities/towns I have been through are the ones with rich history, strong local culture, independent and local businesses, bike lanes, public transit, farmers markets, street fairs, neighbhorhoods with character, etc. The people are friendly, the streets are clean, there are trees and gardens and small parks in the middle of neighborbood blocks, and you can feel the sense of ownership by people in the community. I really like that feeling and it is definitely lacking in Fort Myers.

I have been on the fence about what is next for me in my life - Do I stay in Fort Myers? Do I go somewhere else? If I leave, do I keep my house? All those types of questions. I have decided I am done in Fort Myers. There are a few things going for me there - I love the friends I have made, I enjoy being so close to the beach, and that clear blue sky and daily sunshine really are something you miss, even if you've only been gone a couple days. But there is enough lacking that I would rather live elsewhere and simply go visit every now and then. Analyzing the cost of a nice vacation versus the cost of owning a home (both the dollar amount and the stress of dealing with a property far away) has made me decide to sell my house and be done with Fort Myers. Let's just hope I have better luck with that one than with my house in Salt Lake. And if any of you know a good real estate agent, I'd love a referral!

Pride Marches and Lightening Bugs

2011-06-05T20:09:00.004-04:00

Travel Day: Friday, June 3
The dogs and I put in 300 miles today and we sure felt it. It was the longest travel day we have had on this trip, and I hope we don't have another that long again. We started in Savannah with Spartanburg, South Carolina as our final destination. I have a friend I met through Drinking Liberally who hosts the Spartanburg chapter and she was opening up her home to me and the pups. It was also Pride weekend and their chapter's third birthday party celebration so we actually had somewhere to be. We stopped in Columbia on the way and toured the Capital City. The State House grands were very beautiful and I learned that up until the year 2000, the confederate flag waved on the top (even above the American Flag). It is still a controversial issue that is being fought by the ACLU. We walked to the childhood home of president Woodrow Wilson, found a nice coffee shop for a latte and some fruit, got the dogs some water since it was a damn hot day, and we were back on the road.

As we approached Spartanburg, I saw a sign for the Rose Hill Plantation. Since our friend wasn't going to be off work for another 15-30 minutes or so, I decided to stop. The grounds were amazing and the home was even better. The park ranger showed me parts of the home and the renovation project he was undertaking. Nobody else was there and there were no more house tours, but he snuck me in to show me the project. It was so neat! The grounds were dog friendly, so I took the dogs on a half mile hike through the woods on the plantation grounds. It made me miss the mountains and hiking!

I was excited to finally reach our final destination. My pups got along great with Roxie, my friends dog, which was a nice relief for us both! We had some dinner, got caught up on our lives, and then we went to the local pub for some local brew. It was a great night!

Other random travel moments: passing through old southern towns and thinking about what they looked like 50 years ago and then having 4 classic cars pass me, a small, random cemetery popping up on the side of the road as I am driving with no sign or indication of what/who it is, most random road kill - turtle (poor think never had a chance!), anteater or armadillo??, porcupine, coyotte??, who else knows! A store named "Treasures and Things"... I found that to be so funny for some reason!

Travel Day: Saturday, June 4
This was the first day I didn't feel like I was traveling! I only put in 62 miles and it was mostly to and from our party site. We woke up and went into town to attend the Pride March and Festival. As I was standing there flipping through the program, I noticed one of the speakers was none other than former Utah House of Represenative Christine Johnson. Christine is a South Carolina native, was one of three openly gay elected officials in Utah, and recently moved back and is now the executive director of SC Equality. I saw her, she remembered me from Drinking Liberally (she had participated in many events and we bumped into each other many other times outside of DL). It took her a second to make the connection since I was out of context, but once she did we chatted briefly and it was interesting to hear that the poliical climate is much more difficult for her in SC than Utah.

That night we went out to the woods to attend a birthday party for one of the DL members and to celebrate the third birthday of their DL chapter. We had a nice BBQ, great conversation, plenty to drink, and then we camped out for the night. The stars were spectacular, the lightening bugs were so cool (I've never actually seen them before!), and I was able to meet some pretty great people and learn more about life in South Carolina. It was another great day on the road!

Conversations with Myself

2011-06-02T22:04:00.000-04:00

I have never had a problem striking up a conversation with a stranger and people seem to have no problem talking to me, but it always seems to be more fun when you are on vacation. It is fun to hear where other's are from, where they are heading, and if we have been to similar places.

The conversations, however, I have been looking forward to the most on this trip are the ones with myself. I have been looking forward to using this time for some personal reflection and growth. It seems I have been doing that a lot this past year, and with great outcomes so I can't complain. I also know personal reflection and growth should never stop so I am not hoping for some climatic revelation before this trip is over.

The past couple days have been sort of rough. Not as far as the traveling goes, all that has been wonderful, but as far as the personal conversations with myself. I figured it would be. I am far from family and friends, I am only in the company of my dogs, and I am forcing myself to be honest as I reflect on my life. That is a lot more challenging than you may think. I look forward to more conversations with myself over the next couple months, and have no doubt I will write about them here!

Travel Day: Wednesday, June 1
The dogs and I drove 132 miles from Cape Canaveral, FL to St Augustine, FL. What a beautiful town! It is clearly a tourist destination, and I wound up spending over my budget on attractions. I walked the Historic District and learned about some of the history of the city. I saw the oldest wooden school house in the US (that is the teacher in me!). I visited the only Florida Lighthouse built that originally used oil to light (pig lard, to be exact). I also learned there are only 29 lighthouses in Florida (I think I have seen 4 of them?) I took a Ghost and Gravestones haunted tour which included a visit to the Old Jail. And I visited the Fountain of Youth site. I loved the history and character of the area. The Spanish influence was evident in both the architecture and landscaping. I did not like the tourist component where everything costed money to enter or view or tour, etc.

Travel Day: Thursday, June 2
After driving 211 miles, we made it from St Augustine, FL to Savannah, GA. We took a quick stop in Jacksonville, FL where I think I found the most dog friendly, walkable, liberal hippie neighborhood I have ever seen (San Marco, Jacksonville area). I was waiting to cross the street and a police officer was doing the same. He complimented me on my dogs and I asked him if there was a dog park around. He said he wasn't sure but told me to follow him into a store because the owner would know. He said it was okay to bring the dogs inside, and hesitantly I did. The owners loved them and brought over treats and both the officer and the owner started talking about how dog friendly the entire area is. We talked dog parks and the officer said "We don't really have dog parks, per se, because dogs can be off leash in all the parks. Nobody minds, we don't have any problems..." It was awesome! I asked for his name, just in case I caught grief from another office and he just laughed. He gave me directions to a close park that had lots of shade trees and we went on our way. Jacksonville also had the same historic feel as St Augustine, only with more of a city feel and not a tourist feel. I'd love to go back, and my initial impression is it seems like it would be a contender for places to live in.

I'd also love to come back to Savannah! The gorgeous homes and buildings, the great southern cooking, the river boats on the water, it is just like you see in the movies. Every block since crossing into Georgia has had a historical marker, and everything is interesting but I finally had to just stop pulling over at everything or I'd never make it to Savannah. Savannah is also dog friendly. It is very bike friendly and has a local business charm. I found a great place for dinner and had fried green tomatoes and after the meal I asked the server what I should do from there. He said - just get lost in Savannah! start walking and see where it takes you. So I did. And I'm glad I took his advice! It was free, for one, but every street or building had some historical significance. I could have walked for hours had I not been so tired and had dogs that needed attention as well. The only way to paint a picture for my Utah peeps is that it is the Avenues/Capitol Hill on steroids. It was amazing!

Journey to Self-Discovery

2011-06-01T22:20:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, June 1

The reality of what I am doing is starting to sink in. I am not sure if I am crazy, brave, lonely, confused, depressed, or a combination of them all, but either way, I'm starting to think I have bitten off more than I can chew and I either need to get rid of a dog (or three) or scale back the magnitude of my trip.

The dogs do better on days that are full of driving, which means no stopping for sightseeing. When I want to sightsee, the dogs need to be in a hotel, which means more costs. They look at me when it is time to get back in the car with "are you kidding me?" They get so excited to be out of the car that they are hard to walk and manage. I may need to reexamine my itinerary and see what can I adjust.

My ultimate goal has been to prolong my unemployment until after the start of September so I can go to Burning Man with my Shainesauce and friends. However, I think that just might be something that is not meant to be for me this year. I think this Epic Vacation itself is my journey to self-discovery, which is what I was originally hoping BM would be. It's too early to tell, and the dogs and I will just need to take this day-by-day, but I have a feeling the later part of my summer may morph into something a bit different than I originally had planned.

Still in Florida

2011-06-01T11:49:00.006-04:00

I've only been on the road 24 hours and I am already so exhausted! And I am planning on doing this for three months?!?!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The dogs and I were on the road at 10:26, an hour and a half earlier than originally planned. I spent the first 15 minutes or so thinking about what things I could have possibly forgotten before putting in the mixed CD my friends made for me. That quickly put me in the travel mode (nice selections, friends!) and I really started to feel the excitement.

I had originally planned on making it to Okeechobee where I would camp for the night. Since there was so little to do and it was still so early in the day, we would forge on. Boy, am I glad I did! Not only would it have felt like a wasted night, but I found myself not far from Cape Cannaveral only to learn that a space shuttle would be landing early this morning. I found a nice viewing spot and slept in my car until my alarm went off at 2:15am. There was a small crowd of people (couple dozen, maybe) and my dogs. I really couldn't see much - it just looked like a really fast moving airplane - but I did hear the sonic boom and THAT was cool.

Here are a few highlights or random things to share from the days travels - I saw Lake Okeechobee (thought of you, Nancy!), I saw the only LDS church I have seen since arriving in Florida, I learned that Tigra is heavy enough for my car to sense a passenger and ding the stupid seatbelt-isn't-fastened alarm, I had some fantastic BBQ and roasted corn on the cob, the dogs and I enjoyed a dog beach in Port St Lucie, the squirt bottle of water is a great training tools on the dogs... I forgot about that one!

Total miles driven - 337

Wednesday, June 1
I am so tired due to sleeping in my car and waking up at 2:15 for about 45 minutes. Plus, it was really hot, which the dogs and I did not like. Hopefully we will get some cooler camping weather as we move into the Carolinas, but for tonight we decided to get a hotel.

I think sticking to my budget should be easy. I budgeted high on the price of gas and low on the miles-per-gallon my truck will get. I budgeted for eating out 3 meals a day, which I am hoping to only dine out for one (I need to try some great local flavor, right??). I budgeted for a hotel every other night, which I think will have to be a must. My dogs travel well, but they don't vacation well. So if I am going to see any of the sites in these places I am going, I need a place to keep them so I can sightsee. Hopefully, my stops at friends along the way will help shave off even just a couple hotel nights.

We are currently in St Augustine, FL which is so beautiful! It is the oldest, continuously occupied European settlement in the US. Its Spanish roots are evident in the architecture and gardens. I am going to clean up, take a nap, and then hop on a sightseeing train for a lovely guided tour. Tonight, I just may do a ghost tour... spooky!

24 hours and counting

2011-05-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

24 hours and counting...

I am hoping to start this Epic Road Trip tomorrow by noon and I am so excited!! The dogs just got baths and will finally get to ride in my new truck. Most of my stuff is packed and just sitting in a corner in my living room. My friends hooked me up with all the things I need to make my mother sleep easier while I am on the road: pepper spray, travel guides/maps, first aid kits, etc. I have a few last minute errands to run today and then I should be set.

I'm very excited but also a little nervous. Not necessarily nervous because I will be venturing out on my own for the next couple of months but nervous because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life when this trip is over. I guess I have 3 months to figure out what my next step is, right? Lets hope I can figure it out by then!

Many of you have been asking me where I am going. When I started planning out this trip, I figured I would get 3 months of crazy soul searching solo time, however I have many friends and family along the way that I am starting to think I will spend more time in the company of others than I will alone (I'm sure my parents will like hearing that).

The very tentative route I have planned out is as follows - head east from Fort Myers and swing around Lake Okeechobee. Head north from there along the Atlantic coast until I hit Savannah, Georgia. From there, start inland a bit and find my way to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Take that to Maryland and then head east towards Niagara Falls. Enter Canada and drive east into Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. Dip down into Maine, spend some time touring the New England states, and then follow the Atlantic Coast back to Fort Myers, Florida. I will spend a few days at home before I follow the Gulf Coast north and west into Texas, north to Kansas, and then west again until I hit Salt Lake City, UT.

It should be an incredible journey full of many rich experiences. I am not sure how much internet use I will have, but I will try to blog as much as I can. I will also keep really good notes so I can go back and journal all this after the fact.

Follow my travels on facebook! And if you know anyone along my way who will let me use their shower, park in their driveway, or that can suggest great dog friendly places to visit, I'd love to know!

It's a lifestyle

2011-05-27T11:24:00.001-04:00

I have said it over and over again, but this girl belongs near the mountains and with each trip home I am only reminded of this. It isn't just the mountain itself, but it is the entire lifestyle and culture that comes with living in a mountainous region. I prefer the clothing, I prefer the sense of adventure and activity, I prefer the view, and while admitting my stereotyping, I prefer the general attitude of those who enjoy playing in the mountains over those who enjoy playing at the beach (speaking, at least, to the men I date).

I feel more comfortable and in my element when I come home. It is more than just "this is home", because I feel the same way when I travel to places that are more mountain than beach. One of my least favorite vacation spots? Hawaii with the salty ocean water and humid air. One of my favorite spots? Montreux, Switzerland with the Alps and Lake Geneva.

It's difficult to explain, and I don't think any explanation would even help; it just needs to be experienced to be understood. As I have been plotting my road trip for this summer, I have made sure to include as many mountains and parks as possible and I can't even begin to express my excitement for this adventure! Who knows, maybe by the end of the summer I will have actually figured out where I want to move to next.

My HMD

2011-05-26T09:12:00.000-04:00

There is some truth when I say JR was the reason I left Utah. The progressive community in SLC is relatively small and I would see him when I was out, see him with his new friends, have people ask me who his new GF is they saw him with as if I knew or cared, etc. It was annoying and I needed some change. But despite all that, I think the real person I was escaping from was HMD.

I guess you could say we dated for a while. He was the first person I really cared about post-JR and the first I really felt comfortable opening my heart back up to. But as things slowly started to slip into the "where is this going" zone, we both pulled away and that was it. I really liked him and in retrospect am not sure what happened. We haven't really talked about it since. I couldn't deal with a broken heart twice and I realized I still had a lot of healing to do. I needed to step away from my life as I knew it and rediscover - or reinvent - myself.

HMD and I are part of the same social circle, so I see him every time I am in Salt Lake. He really is a great guy and I am so glad we are good friends. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for him and after every time I see him, I get a little post-HMD blues.

He is the type of guy I could see myself with. I know he isn't the one, but he is the type of guy that I would like to find someday. He makes me see that there are great guys out there who are kind and generous and he makes me think that maybe I am ready to be back in a relationship.

But, he also triggers my negative self-talk about how I let myself settle in a relationship for so long that wasn't bad, per se, but also wasn't providing me the level of happiness I would have liked. I get mad at myself that I spent 8 years in a relationship I wanted more from when I could have been in a relationship wtih someone like HMD.

But I know I can't think like that. The past is just that and I can't change anything about it. Nor do I regret my time with JR. We had good moments and I would not be where I am now had I not gone through what I went through. All I can do is focus on the lessons I have learned and hope I don't get myself into the same situation in the future.

Someday I will find my HMD, but until then I will be happy with having one as a friend.

To being homeless!

2011-05-24T22:09:00.005-04:00

After each trip to Salt Lake, coming back to Florida puts me in a very self-reflective state of mind. This time, it was centered around a strong sense of closure for Florida. I feel like it is time to go and there is nothing more here for me. Yes, I have enjoyed my trips to the beach, kayaking through the waters, and road tripping through the Everglades. But I know it is time to move on. I've had a feeling it was time, but I still felt a little hook here and my last trip home let me feel comfortable letting that go.

I am not sure just yet what I will do with my house here. I'm not too worried though; things tend to work out. My house is being taken care of while I am out for the summer, and my friend is willing to stick around past that until I can figure things out. With the market the way it is here, I will be fine financially and am not concerned about taking a hit here like in Utah.

So where do I go now? I am still not ready to go back to Utah but I am done here... where would you go?

Life is good

2011-05-20T13:46:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting in a local coffee shop in SLC typing away on my iPad. I'm heading to lunch with my dear friend BP in a few minutes. I'm on day 2 of my 3 month vacation and I haven't stopped smiling since I walked out of work on Tuesday. Life is too short for it not to be good!

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

2011-05-15T08:33:00.002-04:00

Thursday night I went to the beach. It was my typical it's-Thursday-night-and-I've-spent-all-day-with-those-awful-clients-man-I-hate-my-job-and-need-to-unwind routine. This night, though, was my last Thursday ever with them and man, it felt good!

On top of having a great evening at the beach, for the first time in my entire life I went out in public wearing a 2-piece swimsuit. Not a tankie 2-piece that still meets and looks like one, but an actual 2-piece that shows my belly. While I've always had a decent level of self confidence, my weakest area has always been with my body-image.

Now don't get me wrong, I still could stand to lose a few pounds, but for the first time ever I was comfortable enough saying "here I am! I may not be a magazine cover model, but this is me and I am happy!" You probably won't catch me wearing this 2-piece around anyone I know just yet, but I was out in public and that is at least a start.

Those left behind

2011-05-13T19:47:00.003-04:00

Word travels fast. People at work are starting to catch news that I am leaving and sending their... well, congratulations. People who I didn't even think knew who I was are saying congrats. And it isn't congrats on my new adventure or opportunity, it is congrats that I am able to get the hell out of there.

Now that I am leaving, people are having no problem talking to me about how unhappy they are at work and how jealous they are that I am young, single, have no kids, and can just say forget this and up and leave. That makes me sad.

With how much time we spend at our jobs, we should be happy with what we do. We should be able to take a day off work for personal reasons or because we are sick and not feel like we will pay for it later. We should be able to go home after a typical 8 our work day and be able to spend time with our family and friends without worrying about what's happening at the office.

When a work environment is less than ideal, feeling empowered to try and change the situation is easier said than done. People fear standing up for what is important because they fear being unemployed more, but that only gives "the man" more power to get away with the garbage.

I am fortunate - and happy - that I am able to escape negative work conditions. I actually think my leaving has sent a clear message. I am doubtful it will lead to any change and I do feel bad for those who are left behind, but at least I made my reasons for leaving clear.

Make new friends, but keep the old...

2011-05-08T20:02:00.000-04:00

As I sat in my kayak paddling up the river, I couldn't help but feel sad. It really sunk in after a solid weekend of spending time with all my new friends that this could be one of the last times we'd all be hanging out.

I'm generally not the most emotionally expressive person when it comes to the sensitive stuff, but I do hope they all realize how much I appreciate every event invite, Facebook message, hug, listening ear, etc. these past nine months. For me to find such a great group of people who immediately sucked me up into their social circle makes me feel so fortunate. And even though I have only known them for a short period of time, I am grateful that they have come into my life. And how I found this awesome group of people is actually one of my favorite moving-to-Florida stories...

A month or so before I moved to Florida, I received a Facebook friend request from a woman named Jane. She said she thought she was my dad's cousin, she lived in Florida, yada yada yada, we may be family if my dad really was Rick. I remember thinking - huh? who are you? why are contacting me and not my dad? Mind you, this was during my first Facebook friend purging phase so I nearly didn't accept her request. Some woman I had never met (never heard of, really), who lived on the other side of the country and was nearly my parents age? I sat there for a minute - ignore? accept? ignore? accept? I wanted to ignore, but my gut kept saying accept. Finally, I hit accept. And I am glad I did, and I am glad I was able to meet Jane and the rest of the Florida Culligan clan.

Well, a few short weeks later, I found myself considering a move to Florida. Having never been to Florida and knowing nothing about the state, I contacted my new FB family friend for her thoughts. She knew a little about this area, but she had a friend who used to live here! So began my connection with Leslie, whom I have never met in person but I feel like I have known forever. I can't wait for my road trip this summer because visiting her in Austin is definitely on my list of stops!

Leslie hadn't lived here in Ft Myers for a while, but she still had friends here. That was my connection to Stephanie. Ms Downtown Diva. Ms knows everyone and everything and was generous enough to let me tag along with her gal pals during Art Walk my first weekend in town.

And from there, it has been many new friends and amazing people who I am so happy to have met.

And of course, there are my political friends. I knew I could find like minded people if I went the political route. While I haven't been as involved in politics here as I was back in Utah, I have enjoyed the new friendships I have met through the Young Dems and the Greater FM Dems groups.

I have no idea what lies ahead for me. I have no idea where home will be: if it will be Utah, Florida, or someplace new. I have no idea where I will be working. I really just don't know. But for some reason, I am not scared. I am very excited and optimistic and I know that everything has a way of playing out as it should. I can only hope, as the old song goes, that wherever I find myself I continue to make new friends but keep the old...because there is no way I could have survived the recent transitions in my life without them!

Dooced

2011-05-07T23:55:00.000-04:00

Dooced: To lose one's job because of one's website.

Coincidentally enough, the author of the Dooce blog is also named Heather and she lives in Salt Lake City.

But no, I did not lose my job because of my website. But I did have to laugh that this came up during my conversation with my manager and team lead. You see, it was nonchalantly mentioned that they heard I have a blog and that I have been writing about my unhappiness at work. My manager asked me why I never came to her. Besides the natural response of - how did you not know I was unhappy? I wanted to ask her the same thing: why did you never come to me?

I have said it before and I will say it again. I don't write anything here that I am not willing to say in person. I am also fully aware of who reads my blog and trust me, it didn't make me hold back. I work in IT for crying aloud, so it should come as no surprise to any of my readers that this information is easy to track. It's actually quite interesting data to look at.

I can tell how people found my blog - linked via facebook or google searching terms like "Heather Culligan Blog" or "Edison Ford Winter Estates". I can tell the operating system used and what city a reader searched from - I only know one person who lives in Cape Coral that would likely be running a Linux machine. I can see what time they stopped by, how many pages they viewed, and what labels they filtered by. I can view the ISP information - all hits from my office building show up as Embarq Corporation in Winter Park, for some odd reason.

My Shainesauce finds it interesting that anybody would care that much about me that they would want to read my blog. I am not sure if I should be insulted or laugh right along with him. But it is interesting to see who and how people stumble across my Jaw Jabbins.

I have had random strangers contact me about things I have written about. Some have been in similar situations to me and have appreciated my honesty and candor. Some have appreciated my travel stories and have added things to their list of must-see and do. My family and friends enjoy reading about my adventures and I have received many compliments from them on my writing.

But for whatever reason a person reads my blog, that is their decision. I write this blog for me. I write to clear my head and organize my thoughts. I write it to help myself process things and to grow personally. So the bottom line is this... if you don't like what you are reading, stop reading. No skin off my back because this blog isn't written for you!

Inquiring Minds

2011-05-05T19:40:00.000-04:00

My FB announcement about me quitting my job has sparked some demand for answers. Well, let me try to explain...

I never wanted to move to Florida. I hate the heat, I hated the beach (that has since changed), I had stereotypes of horrible republican doctors who refused to treat people who voted for Obama (yay, Florida! That was a winning moment in the news) and people driving around in big trucks waving confederate flags (oh, wait...) Anyway, just because I didn't want to do it doesn't mean I didn't agree that it was what the best thing for me at that point in my life.

The past 9 months have been interesting - in a good way, as those of you who egularly read my blog can agree. I have been calling this my Great Adventure for good reason. I somehow was fortunate to meet the only cool people in Fort Myers. I have developed a deep appreciation for the beach and tropical climates. Even the crap with my job has had its positives. I have learned things about my software I probably never would have known and this project alone will look amazing on a resume.

But, I knew before leaving Utah that Florida was only a temporary gig. I had expected 2-3 years, long enough to complete the project I was originally hired on at work to do. However, with the switch in projects, I began thinking maybe sooner is better and had decided the completion of this new project would be good exit timing. Well, the go-live date keeps getting pushed back as all the shit continues to hit the fan. Just today, a colleague and I were saying we expect it to be pushed back yet again (and this was before my big announcement).

Well, the drama and client's unprofessional behaviors keep snowballing. My manager has done nothing to intervene or defend me. And if I am guilty of whatever the client claims, the manager has done nothing to address or correct my behavior. In fact, all I hear is "I know they are difficult to work with, but let's just finish this and get through it. We are all miserable". No. You don't let them get away with their behavior. As a manager, I expect you to stop this or do something to migigate the problem. You don't just say - I agree it sucks, but let's just get through this.

Anyway.. while I have been battling all this at work, I have also been asking myself "okay... what is next? After Florida, what?" And the answer is I don't know. But, I have decided I need a vacation so I will start there. I will never again find myself in a position where I can just take off for a few months and travel, so I am going to take advantage of it. The dogs and I are going to pack up and travel the country and parts of Canada for the summer. Come this fall, I will start the job hunt, which I already have some prospects and leads. I am fortunate that I am in a field with such high demand, I could probably have a dozen interviews lined up before I even finish writing this blog post.

I seriously had planned to see this project through to the end, but as all this ridiculousness has been happening, I just keep asking myself why?? Finally, I just had enough and there was no good answer to that question. I received a terrible email from the client today (well, a series of them) and after one I was so mad, I stormed into my manager's office. Unfortuatly, she wasn't there, so I came back to my computer, forwarded her the email (which she was already cc'd on) and said "This is ridiculous and I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired of all this. I am taking vacation starting May 18, so let's just plan on May 17 being my last day". That was it. I haven't heard anything back.

The dogs and I are going to travel and end our journy in Utah. I plan to talk to the ex and see if he would be willing to keep the dogs for a couple months until I can get a new job and get settled. I plan to keep my Florida home initially and then decide later if I want to sell it or hang on to it.

At this point, any of that can change. But for now, I am looking forward to the best vacation I probably ever will have.

Happy Adoption Birthday, Harper!

2011-05-05T07:37:00.000-04:00

5-5-5: The day we adopted Harper. We adopted him shortly after Sammy died to keep Molly company. He is the laziest, dumbest, goof of a dog, but I love him to death!

He eats toilet paper and garbage, he rolls in other animal's feces, and he is afraid of his own shadow. But he cuddles the most out of my three, he barks the loudest at passer-bys, and he has been known to bite people he feels are threatening my well being. Who could ask for anything more??

Looking at the Bright Side of Things

2011-05-04T17:48:00.000-04:00

Today I was working with The Client, which is always a chore. While patiently trying to explain something for the one hundredth time a women - whom we have nicknamed Poo-Poo Pam because she is so negative - she laughed at my explanation and said "oh you... with your young and optimistic attitude..."

I wanted to say something along the lines of "yeah? maybe you should learn a lesson from me..." but I bit my tongue.

In all reality, I do feel like I am an optimistic person. I may complain, bitch, and moan a lot, but despite those verbal rants, deep down I feel there is always a bright side to everything. I feel my positive outlook has helped me through my separation from JR, helped me through this move across the country, and is helping me survive working in such an icky job (I have increased my knowledge of the software by leaps and bounds).

Yesterday, though, optimism was at it's newest low. At the start of this year, as the project I am working on started to stink, I found myself beginning to lose some of my optimism. I realized I needed to do something, so I bought a daily Zen calendar where I could focus on the best thing that has happened to me each day and write it down. Yesterday, though, I was stumped. I could not think of any highlight for the day. I couldn't even think of something that sucked the least. It was horrible. I sat there in bed for about 15 minutes and nothing came to mind. I still haven't written anything, but I have a feeling my highlight will be that I didn't forget my lunch. While still a positive, how sad that was the best thing of the day?

It know it is normal for us to have ups and downs each day. Nothing is perfect and nothing is without error. However, if I have learned anything over these past 2 years, it is that my attitude affects so much. I can choose to look on the bright side of things. I can choose to focus on the negative. Either way, the effect of that attitude grows exponentially. And unfortunately, lately, I have been so fixated on the negative. At least I recognize that, and I know only I have the power to change this.

The Gossip Train

2011-05-01T19:10:00.000-04:00

Between my big mouth and my honesty in my writing, news is starting to travel around the office that I am quitting. Yes, fellow employees, I know you read my blog. Only a couple colleagues have actually discussed the situation with me, but the gossip train is definitely rolling into town.

I haven't decided when exactly my last day will be, so therefore I haven't decided when exactly I want to speak to my manager and give my notice. I also haven't decided how much I want to say.

Do I simply say this hasn't been a good fit but I appreciate you taking the chance on hiring me?

Do I be more honest and tell her how I feel the company's aggressive project time line has led to a complete lack of work/life balance?

Do I tell her how disappointed I felt after being told for months I only have to work on this hellish project until a replacement is hired and then having a replacement hired that simply toke over my old project?

Do I tell her how this the new "work schedule" I was given because the client feels I am not working hard enough and wants to sit side-by-side with me to watch me work makes me feel like a 10-year old girl needing a babysitter?

Do I tell her that I would have hoped my manager would have defended me and helped the client understand what goes into my job and that I am a hard worker?

I am sure it will start with a respectful thank you but this isn't working out, however if she pries for more details I am sure I will have no problem being honest. But, then again, maybe she is riding the gossip train and can just read about all this here. We could avoid the entire notice-talk just like she avoided talking to me about working on this project in the first place.

Ahhhh.... how happy I am that I am standing up for what I believe in and I am not letting my life be my job. How happy I am that I am in control of my life. Florida really has been good for me.

Summer Lodging

2011-04-27T19:39:00.007-04:00

Oh, the details are starting to come together! Today my "summer lodging" arrived in the mail. I set it up just enough to get the idea, and man, am I excited for our next adventure! I am still unsure when this will all begin, but it is going to be soon...

The Extra Degree

2011-04-25T18:50:00.005-04:00

There is a professional development/self development/inspirational/motivational/crap-like-that program I have seen in the great world of corporate America called 212: The Extra Degree. The basic premise is that at 211 degrees, water is hot. At 212, it boils. It is that one degree that makes the difference. "The message of 212° The Extra Degree is clear: It's your life. You are responsible for your results. It's time to turn up the heat!"

Well, I am currently sitting at 211 degrees and I am just waiting for that last little something that will put me at my boiling point. Unfortunately, it isn't going to be the positive and motivational boiling point I was hoping to achieve. It is going to be the negative last straw that will push me to the boiling point where I walk out of there.

Either way, the program is correct on one thing - I am responsible for my results.

I promised myself I wouldn't compromise my happiness for anything. No job is worth it, no man is worth it, no car or house or other material item is worth it. I promised myself I would make sure to always put my needs first. And I here I am compromising on that promise because I don't want to negatively impact those I work with. I care about them and it isn't their fault the company can't get their act together. How does one reconcile that?

Dumped via Facebook

2011-04-24T09:27:00.007-04:00

I was dumped via Facebook. Well, sort of. You can't officially be dumped if you aren't ofiicially dating, and I did not consider us to be dating. It was clear that he was more into me than I was into him. However, my life is too unstable right now for a relationship, and I was very honest with him about that from the start.

Several months ago I met this guy. He was the opposite of JR in every way, shape, and form so I knew it was doomed from the start. JR had many great qualities (hello, we dated for 8 years!) but there were one or two biggies he was missing, and this new guy had those one or two qualities. But that also meant he was lacking all the others...

Anyway. We went to dinner last week and he was having a bad day. Dinner was a disaster and we argued about something stupid in the car on the drive back to his house. I left and went home, he was still grumpy, I thought nothing of it. He tends to want to argue about stupid little things so this was not the first time this had happened.

Two days later as I was on FB, I noticed I wasn't seeing any of his posts. I went to his page, and sure enough, there was the "Add as Friend" button. He had unfriended me! If I wasn't laughing so hard I may have been upset. I knew we were not boyfriend-girlfriend material. I knew our "relationship" would be nothing more than friends. But still, I thought what he did was pretty cowardly.

Is technology and social networking sites really inhibiting our ability to communicate and, well, be social? That a person will terminate a friendship by simply clicking "remove as friend" on Facebook is just so cowardly! I haven't heard from him since, but to be quite honest I don't mind. I have far better things to be focusing my attention on these days. I just have to chuckle about it all.

243

2011-04-20T19:12:00.003-04:00

Daytona Beach Shores... is it's own city. Which I went to during my parents visit. Don't ask me what we did, but I did get the photo to prove it.

Yay! One more city to cross off the list which puts me at 243.

By the light of the moon

2011-04-17T18:23:00.000-04:00

We were leaving Music Walk and heading towards my car, which was parked by the pier. It was almost a full moon and the reflection on the water was worth stopping for. As we sat there on the edge of the dock for nearly 45 minutes talking, I realized I am his Julia and he is my JR.

We laid there looking up at the stars, two new friends with so much in common that an immediate bond was created when we met. As he openly and honestly poured out his heart, I wish she could have been there to hear what he had to say. I told him he had to tell her how he felt, which he said he did. And then I wished JR would have said those things to me. I wish he would have been honest about how he was feeling. I wish he would been honest about how he felt about us.

But then my mind slowly wandered back two years. What if he did? Would it have changed anything? Was I just wishing JR felt about me what Knoxville feels towards Julia? And what if JR had said all those things, would I have trusted they were truths? Would it have changed my willingness to give us a second chance and make things work?

I will never know what would have or could have happened had that one little thing been different. Maybe he would have said those things and we would have gotten back together... and who knows, maybe then I would be sitting here wondering if I would have been better off without him?

It is pretty easy to wonder what if or why, but over the past 18 months or so, I have learned that all that does it distract me from the present. This is where I am now. This is what I need to focus on. What could have happened or may happen is pretty irrelevant to the moment at hand.

I know if my grandmother were here, she would only say... Look to this day. For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision; But today, well lived, makes every yesterday
a dream of happiness, And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Knoxville - one step at a time; one day at a time. Stay focused on the things you can control. But know that in the end, things happen as they should and as they were already destined to be.

What am I waiting for?

2011-04-15T18:11:00.003-04:00

One thing in particular from my Cassadaga trip has been resonating in my mind. After my "psychic" and I had been talking, I mentioned my summer plans and how I have been waiting for this project at work to end before I start my journey. She immediately said no. I have to go now. The cards are saying go now. Don't wait.

I can't get that out of my head. And everyday at work when I sit in a meeting that is wasting my time, I am made to feel like my project team isn't working hard enough, or I am treated poorly by our client, I have to ask myself why am I waiting?

The only thing I can think of is that I would feel bad for leaving before this project was finished. I have always taken a lot of pride in my work because I feel it is direct reflection of me as a person. If I left early and left them in a bind, I would feel like that reflects poorly on me as a person. I am not sure why, especially given how poorly my company has treated me (and others.)

The reality is I should have quit a couple months ago when they hired the new person to work on the project that was originally mine that I can no longer work on because I was temporarily filling in on this one until someone could be hired to replace the woman who quit because the project sucks and she didn't want to work on it (yes, that is the longest run-on sentence I have ever written). The project manager quit. I am the third analyst for my section, another section is on their second, and the third part is on their fourth analyst. So many people have quit. One of the client's biggest frustration is turnover. That should say something - about the project, the client, and my company.

I guess I haven't quit because I'd like to think I am better than that. But how do I balance that pride with making sure I am putting my happiness and well being first? What is the point in doing something if I am not happy? Should I stick with something just because I feel obligation or guilt? I strongly feel that is the wrong approach.

I know my manager and colleagues would be incredibly disappointed if I were to leave before this project were complete. But I have been equally as disappointed working it. One of the guys on the other section has told me repeatedly that out of all the people that work on my team, he'd only want to be working with me. I have also been told that I am the only person on my team who would be able to work as strongly with the client as I have been. While flattering as those things are, I am still miserable and this is a miserable project. Maybe one more person quitting would send a message that they need to make some changes internally. I doubt it, but who knows.

Either way, I am tired of waiting and can't figure out what I am waiting for. So maybe that means I should just stop waiting...

Venice Beach

2011-04-13T18:43:00.003-04:00

Venice; Sarasota County
Pictures are all here.

Venice is a huge area (rumored to be world's best?) for Shark fishing and collecting shark teeth that have washed up to shore. Each year, there is a Sharks Tooth Festival to celebrate my new friend, Knoxville and I said "what the heck!" and we hit the road.

The festival was a bit disappointing. Only a small section of the booths/vendors actually contained shark teeth, skulls, etc. but there were a few teeth worth more than my new truck because of how old and fossilized they were. That was a bit alarming.

We left the festival and went to the beach instead. Venice Beach was quite a bit different than the beaches down here near the Fort. The sand was different (less powdery and more grainy), it had more rocks lining the beach, and the tide coming in was a bit rougher. But, oh was it still beautiful! The color of the water was so green and clear.

From there we came back to the Fort where I showed my new friend my favorite beach here (he has only lived here for a few days and doesn't really know his way around just yet). It was just one part of a fantastically fun weekend that made me remember why I enjoy living in Florida!

244 cities!

Cassadaga and other little cities

2011-04-10T12:15:00.001-04:00

Lake Wales; Polk County
DeBary; Volusia County
Cassadaga; Volusia County *
Clermont; Lake County
Someday, I will have photos posted here...

* Sadly, not a city on my list...

One of my favorite musicians, Bright Eyes, put out an album in 2007 titled Cassadaga. I love this entire album, but the first track is one of my favorites (play it below, sorry about the ad). It begins with the voice of a medium from Cassadaga talking about a journey the man needs to take. When I moved to Florida, I learned that Cassadaga is actually a real place, and it is in Central Florida. I have wanted to make the trip since.

Wednesday was the 2 year anniversary of when things all changed with JR and I. Last year was a bit rough. My life still felt unstable and chaotic, plus She contacted me around that time so I felt like I was only reliving the entire experience. This year, however, it was a positive day. I felt like instead of relieving a grieving moment, it had turned into a day to celebrate the journey I have been on who I have become.

I thought it fitting that I make the trek to Cassadaga and have my own personal reading. I know many, or most, of you do not place stock in this type of stuff, but that is neither here nor there. In fact, there are many misconceptions about spiritual camps, and I found the FAQ on their website pretty interesting to read.

I started my trek Tuesday night and drove partway to the city of Lake Wales. In looking online earlier that week, I had stumbled across a star gazing party taking place that night at Bok Tower Gardens. Immediately stepping onto the grounds, I felt my mood lift. This place was so serene and tranquil. I found a bench to sit on, watched the sunset, I found myself starting to cry. But unlike last year, the tears were positive ones. I felt so proud of all the life changes I have been brave enough to make the past year and proud of everything I have overcome over the past two. I know this may sound silly and hokey to some people, but it was such a positive and calming experience.

I did feel a bit silly at the star gazing party because it was comprised of 2 other couples and one large group of students studying astronomy. Either way, one little 14 year old kid started to talk it up with me and teach me about the constellations he knew. It was cute and sort of took me back to a junior high school teaching moment. Then I asked his name and learned it was Jeremiah...

The telescopes were set up to look at the moon, Saturn, Orion's belt, and a star cluster. So amazing!! And it just really puts into perspective how insignificant one person is in the universe. I left Bok Gardens so happy with my decision to take this little road trip.

The next day, I woke up and found myself right next to Gemini Springs Park. Another creepy little symbol I probably was reading too much into. I took a nice morning walk along the nature trail and snapped a few photos before finishing the drive to Cassadaga.

Driving into the camp, my initial thoughts is it was not what I was expecting, but once I started walking around it just had a feel about it. Yes, I will acknowledge that it could have just been me subconsciously expecting a calming spiritual feel, but who knows... maybe there really was something unique about that place.

I selected a place to have my tarot cards read and had some time to kill before my appointment. I walked around and bought a few little things - a meditation stone, a Feng Shui trinket, and some lavender oil. When it was time for my reading, I'm not going to lie, I was a bit nervous. Who knew what the cards were going to say.

The woman started by giving me the "disclaimer" that this isn't predicting my life, it isn't set in stone, I can accept or deny the energy the universe is putting out, etc. She would start by throwing a series of cards to get a general read and then I would be able to ask more specific questions to further explore what those original cards had said. At this point, she only knew my name.

The first card she threw was The Fool, which symbolizes new beginnings and infinite possibilities. The second card shew threw, which I forget exactly which one it was, indicated that it was hurt and pain that sending me on this journey. From there, cards indicating more traveling and closure to the items causing me hurt and pain. Love is in there, and she senses he works in the medical field. Again, at this point she knew nothing about me. As I started to ask questions and tell her more about me, things just started to come together. 45 minutes later, I left feeling lifted and re-spirited.

I have felt good about this plan I've been cooking up, and after my reading it feels even more right. She even said I need to go home right now and start to plot my route! She understands my work ethic and wanting to wait for completion of this project at work, but she says the cards are saying don't. Do it now.

I took my time driving back to the Fort. I stopped in Clermont at Lakeridge Winery for a tour and wine tasting. It was the first time I had toured a winery, and I learned so much! From there I went back to Lake Wales to visit Florida's Natural orange museum and plant. I was able to pick my own bag of oranges, which was pretty fun. I have no idea how to know when they are ripe and ready for picking, but after eating a few, I didn't do too bad.

It was home again and all I can say is what a great day. I actually went into work the next day thinking the work day blahs won't bring me down. And they didn't. And I see that as a good sign of things to come.

*Update 4/11: I forgot that I also went to Historic DeBary Hall after leaving Gemini Springs Park.
...245 cities left to visit!

Typical

2011-04-10T09:53:00.003-04:00

It's been a rather interesting past couple weeks. I went from one week of being a complete hermit with no motivation to do a thing to a second week of having plans after plans and not a minute to myself. I guess that is just how things are in the life of Heather!

The Route

2011-04-09T11:50:00.005-04:00

Let's get back to The Hypothetical. If you recall, the first major logistical consideration was lodging. Let's assume that decision as been made.

Now we move to the second major logistical consideration: The Route.

If this were your hypothetical, what would your route be?
Would would be your top spots; your must sees?
Would you have a theme to this journey (visiting as many national parks as you can, making it a coastal trip, focusing on art and culture, seeking out spiritual or religious shrines, etc)?
Would you have a fixed time line or just move as you are ready?
Would you avoid the interstates or stick to all local/mom&pop shops?

I want to hear your ideas!